


Build Me Up (Watch Me Fall)

by Tsubame_go



Category: NU'EST, Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Office, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Fluff and Angst, Kind of Jonghyun-centric, M/M, Minhyun is a sweet heart, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, The Get Ugly team is a dance crew
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-04
Updated: 2017-10-20
Packaged: 2019-01-09 00:25:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 23,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12265128
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tsubame_go/pseuds/Tsubame_go
Summary: Jonghyun's life may be boring and monotone, but he has nothing to complain about.  A coworker begins to liven up his existance, but Jonghyun's past starts to catch up with him.





	1. Part 1: Jonghyun

**Author's Note:**

> TW: ANXIETY AND PANIC ATTACKS. There will be more potentially triggering things in this story later on, which I will put at the beginning of the chapters they apply to, but for this chapter those are the only ones.
> 
> This is my first time writing about NU'EST so I'm sorry if I screw up on any of the characters.
> 
> This isn't edited by anyone other than e so I'm sorry for the inevitable typos.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jonghyun gets out of his comfort zone and makes a friend

At the surface level, Jonghyun’s life doesn’t suck.  He has a stable job with a decent salary and an apartment to live in.  He works an office job, sitting in front of a computer analyzing company data from nine to five, Monday through Friday.  On the weekends he stays in and binge watches anime.  It’s been like this ever since he graduated college two years ago and joined the company.  He doesn’t have any substantial reason to complain about life.  He has a stable salary, a decent place to live, and parents and sisters who love him.  He has a set rhythm and routine.  His social life is lacking, but one can’t have everything.

 

In his youth Jonghyun thought his life would be different, but his frivolous childhood aspirations withered away like autumn leaves when he entered college.  He chose to take the stable, certainty of a business major and forget the unattainable, ephemeral aspirations in his heart.  He gave them up and never looked back.  It’s better to be realistic.  And for the past two years he has lived in the mundane stability this path has given him, locking memories of his old wishes and dreams deep inside where they will melt away and disappear.  Not brave enough to try, he kept trudging down the path he had chosen for himself.

 

~

 

“Hey Jonghyun, wanna get lunch?” asks Hwang Minhyun, who works at the desk across from Jonghyun’s.

 

“Sure,”Jonghyun replies. “It’s about time for lunch break and I’m getting hungry.”  Minhyun smiles dazzlingly at him.  Since Minhyun joined the company a year ago eating lunch with him has become part of Jonghyun’s routine.  Minhyun is calm and collected and never asks probing questions about Jonghyun’s personal life.  He’s easy to be around and Jonghyun never feels pressured.  Jonghyun is getting up from his desk and turning towards the company break room when Minhyun says something unexpected.

 

“Let’s go out to a restaurant instead of just eating in the break room today.”

 

Jonghyun freezes for a moment.  Minhyun has never deviated from their pattern before.  They go to the break room, eat, talk about safe topics, like their coworkers or the weather, and then go back to work.  That’s all they’ve ever done.

 

“Even though we never use all of it, company policy is an hour and a half lunch break.” Minhyun’s calm, steady voice interrupts Jonghyun’s moment of uncertainty. “It’s not like we’ll be in danger of coming back late, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

 

“R-right.” Jonghyun agrees, seeing no reason to object.  “Let’s go.”

 

Despite working in the same building for three years Jonghyun hasn’t tried any of the nearby restaurants.  He prefers to bring his own lunch and not risk accidently ordering something that has tomatoes and offending the cook when he doesn’t finish his food.  He also doesn’t like going to crowded restaurants and eating alone amidst the other happily chatting customers.  Those aren’t really excuses he can give Minhyun though.

 

He follows blindly as Minhyun walks towards a small restaurant a block away from their company.  When they get inside only a few of the tables are occupied leaving Jonghyun and Minhyun free to take a table in an area where they won’t be awkwardly close to anyone else. Minhyun has clearly been here before and orders almost immediately.  Jonghyun stare blankly at the menu.  He knows that the waitress and Minhyun will expect him to make a decision, but under pressure the items on the menu blur together before his eyes and he has no idea what to order.

 

“And what would you like?” the watress asks Jonghyun in a voice full of service industry curtesy.

 

“Uhh…” Jonghyun continues to stare at the menu, still unsure what to order.  He wants to disappear.  This is why he never goes to restaurants.  What will Minhyun think of him now that he knows Jonghyun doesn’t have the social skills even to do something as simple as order food? He’ll have to eat alone from now on, Minhyun won’t want to talk to him after this…

 

“I think you’d like that one,” Minhyun’s voice breaks through his thoughts, pointing at an item on the menu.  Jonghyun blinks as he feels his heart calm down a little.  He mindlessly nods without really looking at what Minhyun is suggesting.

 

“I’ll have… that one.” He answers awkwardly, still not really looking the waitress in the eye.  The waitress walks off and Jonghyun feels himself relax a little now that the interaction is over.

 

“Don’t worry,” Minhyun assures him. “It doesn’t have tomatoes.”

 

“How did you…” Jonghyun fumbles for words, dumbstruck by the fact that Minhyun knows this quirk in his eating habits.

 

“The food you pack for yourself never has tomatoes,” Minhyun explains. “And there was that one time you accidentally grabbed Jaehwan’s BLT sandwich instead of your own; you made a face when you bit into it and spit out your bite into the trash.”

 

Jonghyun scratches the back of his head in embarrassment. “I didn’t think anyone would notice.” He mutters awkwardly.

 

Minhyun lets out a little giggle. “Don’t worry,” he assures Jonghyun. “I don’t think anybody else did.”

 

When the food arrives, Jonghyun isn’t disappointed; Minhyun somehow knows his taste.  Despite his initial apprehension at breaking out of his routine, he finds doing something different for once kind of nice.  Even though the atmosphere is different, Minhyun is still easy to talk to. Their conversation is as pleasant and non-stressful as ever until Minhyun steers the flow of words onto previously uncharted territory.

 

“I’m going to go see my friend’s dance performance this weekend,” Minhyun says casually.  Dance performance.  It’s been a long time since Jonghyun thought about dancing.  Before college, dancing consumed Jonghyun’s life, not that he was ever very good.  It’s been six years since he last set foot in a dance studio.  He’s probably forgotten everything. 

 

“You should come with me.”  Minhyun continues.  Jonghyun feels himself jump a little in alarm.  Go to a dance performance with Minhyun.  This sort of thing should be easy, he likes Minhyun, and he likes dancing.  There isn’t a reason Jonghyun should be hesitating, yet Jonghyun _is_ hesitating.  What would it be like, to watch other people on the stage he once loved some much, after years of living his day to day office job without thinking about the past?  Jonghyun doesn’t want to face it, he _can’t_ face it-

 

“It’s okay if you’re busy,” Minhyun tells, gazing at him in concern. “I just thought it would be fun to hang out outside of the office.  It’s totally okay if you don’t want to!”

 

“N-no, it’s not that!” Jonghyun doesn’t want Minhyun to misunderstand him.  Minhyun is the closest thing Jonghyun has to a friend.  “I… I’ll go!” Jonghyun says before he can stop himself.

 

“Great!” A smile breaks across Minhyun’s face.  “The performance is Saturday night, does that work for you?” Jonghyun nods. “Great!  Give me your number and I’ll text you the details later!” Minhyun says handing Jonghyun his phone.  Jonghyun punches his number into Minhyun’s contacts, hands shaking.  What has he gotten himself into? 

 

 

If Jonghyun hadn’t been so preoccupied worrying about his former passion abruptly re-entering his life, he might have noticed how Minhyun’s smile never left his face for the rest of the day.

 

~

 

Jonghyun spends Saturday as he always does: staying in and watching anime.  He can’t seem to focus on the plot of any of the episodes though, his mind keeps straying to his plans for the evening.  He becomes so preoccupied he doesn’t even know what he’s watching.

 

Anxiety isn’t Jonghyun’s only emotion.  He’s genuinely happy to be doing something with Minhyun outside of work.  It’s been a long time since he’s done anything apart from staying in alone and catching up on sleep and the latest anime during the weekends.  He hasn’t had any regular social interaction since college.  If he doesn’t mess this up, Minhyun might even want to be his friend and hang out with him outside of work more often.  Jonghyun can’t mess this up. He can’t mess this up.

 

Jonghyun is messing this up.  He meets Minhyun in front of the restaurant Minhyun texted him ten minutes later than the time they agreed on because he has trouble finding it.  He apologies profusely and Minhyun just smiles and says it’s not an issue.  Jonghyun feels underdressed, he thought this would be a casual thing so he just wore a baggy old hoodie.  Minhyun, on the other hand, is looking handsome in a crisp button up.

 

“Should I have dressed nicer?” Jonghyun asks anxiously.

 

“What your wearing is fine,” Minhyun assures him.  “It’s not like it’s a formal event or anything.”

 

Minhyun lead him to a bar in the nicer part of town, which is evidently where is friends are performing.  When Jonghyun reaches for his wallet to pay the entry fee, Minhyun stops him and pays for him.  Jonghyun feels guilty for making Minhyun spend money on him.  They settle down at a table with a good view of the stage and Minhyun orders them a few drinks to enjoy as they wait for the performance to start.  Minhyun pays again and Jonghyun continues to feel guilty.

 

“I’m sorry that you’re spending money on me.” He tells Minhyun.  “I’ll pay you back later, I promise.”

 

“Don’t worry about it,” Minhyun tells him. “I’m doing it because I want to.”

 

Jonghyun doesn’t believe him. 

 

Jonghyun hasn’t been to a bar since college, and even then the atmosphere made him feel awkward and uncomfortable.  Even though Minhyun, who usually makes him feel calm, is beside him, he feels tense in the dimly lit room, surrounded by people chatting, drinking, and having a good time.  The twenty minutes during which they sit waiting for the performance to start feels like twenty hours to Jonghyun. His leg bounce under the table, shaking with nervous energy. When the lights dim and an MC announces that the performance is about to start, Jonghyun feels relieved to having something to focus on apart from his anxiousness.

 

Minhyun’s friend’s dance crew is impressive.  Both group pieces and solo performances are cleanly executed without a single mistake that Jonghyun can see.  When a confident, bright-eyed man with black hair takes the stages to perform a solo popping piece, Minhyun leans over to Jonghyun and whispers “That’s my friend Seongwoo” in his ear.  Jonghyun is impressed.  Watching dancing is more enjoyable than he thought it would be.  Thoughts of the past don’t invade his mind when he watches Seongwoo complete a complicated sequence of popping moves.  Maybe he can appreciate dance even though he’s left his passion for doing it himself in the past.

 

When the performance finishes, Minhyun takes Jonghyun to meet his friend and his friend’s dance crew.  Jonghyun feels nervous at the idea of meeting new people, but their performance was genuinely impressive and he’d like to tell them so.

 

“Hi, I’m Kim Jonghyun,” Jonghyun introduces himself to Seongwoo and the rest of the dance crew. “Your performance was really great.”

 

“Thanks!” Seongwoo tells him. “I’m Ong Seongwoo, not Hong-“

 

“I’m sure he heard you correctly the first time.” Minhyun interrupts him, half amused, half annoyed.  Minhyun pats Seongwoo on the back with a warm smile and congratulates him on his performance.

 

All the members of Seongwoo’s dance crew introduce themselves to Jonghyun and he greets them, failing to make eye contact with the majority of them.  Once all the greetings are done Jonghyun just stands there awkwardly listening to Minhyun chat with his friends, unable to join the conversation due to his lack of social skills.  After a few minutes Jonghyun catches Minhyun’s eye and motions that he’s going to the restroom.  Jonghyun doesn’t actually need to go, he just wants an excuse to get away from facing his failure at socializing for a few minutes.

 

Jonghyun sits in the cubicle, head on his arms, eyes squeezed tight shut.  With his shoulders covering his ears muffling the sounds of the bar outside, he can almost pretend that he’s back in his quiet apartment, safe, with nothing to worry about.  He tries to breathe slowly and deeply, tries to calm his frantic heartbeat.  Everything is fine. Everything is fine. Everything is fine.  He can’t stay in the bathroom for too long though, or Minhyun might start to wonder.  But he’s with his actual friends now, so he’s probably already forgotten that Jonghyun came here with him.  He doesn’t need Jonghyun’s company.  He probably asked Jonghyun to hang out with him tonight just because he noticed that Jonghyun never talks to anyone and pitied him.  Hwang Minhyun would never, in any universe, want to be friends with someone as boring as Jonghyun.  Jonghyun should have realized that Minhyun invited him here out of pity and turned him down…

 

When Jonghyun is a little calmer and feels like he shouldn’t hide in the bathroom any longer he exits the cubicle and starts making his way back to the main stage area.  He’s about to exit the hallway leading the from the performance area to the bathroom when he feels someone tap his shoulder.

 

“Kim Jonghyun?”  A voice from a different, long gone time in Jonghyun’s life calls out to him.  Jonghyun turns and is faced by a man with sharp features and short brown hair.

 

“Choi Minki?” Jonghyun says in wonder, staring into the face of his high school class mate.  Minki has changed, he no longer sports the eye-catching long blond hair and bold fashion he had in high school.  He’s still very well groomed though, if a bit more refined in style.  He breaks into a smile as Jonghyun says his name.

 

“It is you!” Minki exclaims.  “It’s been forever!  How are you? What do you now?”

 

“I’m okay,” Jonghyun answers, taken aback by Minki’s excitement. “Just working a boring office job, paying my bills, living life.”

 

Minki raises his eyebrows at Jonghyun.  “I’m surprised I didn’t see you on the stage.  I remember watching your performances back in school, you were amazing! I thought you’d become a professional dancer for sure!”

 

“I was only decent at learning choreography from other people, I was never any good at free styling or making my own choreography.”  Jonghyun replies, fighting to keep his voice from shaking, hoping that Mink won’t press the subject further.

 

“So? No one’s perfect, you were still probably the best in the dance club.” Minki presses. “You’re still dancing on the side at least right?”

 

“Er…” Jonghyun hesitates before spitting out the truth.  “I don’t dance anymore.”

 

“I never thought I’d meet a Kim Jonghyun that doesn’t dance.” Minki says shaking his head a little.  Jonghyun forces himself to keep smiling.  “I need to find my friend I came here with, but give me your number, we should catch up sometime!”

 

Not wanting to argue, Jonghyun wordlessly adds his phone number into Minki’s phone.  After Minki snatches his phone back and disappears into the crowd, Jonghyun continues standing frozen at the end of the bathroom hall way. _I never thought I’d meet a Kim Jonghyun that doesn’t dance_.  Minki’s words echo in his head.  Jonghyun doesn’t go back and find Minhyun.  He takes a taxi back to his apartment and buries himself in his bedcovers for the rest of the weekend.

 

~

 

On Sunday Minhyun texts Jonghyun and apologizes for losing him at the bar on Saturday night. Jonghyun texts back telling him it was fine, and not to worry about it.  One Monday Jonghyun can’t bring himself to leave the safety of his apartment so he calls in sick to work.  His interaction with Minki keeps replaying itself in his mind.

 

 _I can’t imagine a Kim Jonghyun that doesn’t dance_.

 

  _I thought you’d become a professional dancer._

Jonghyun had dreamed of becoming a professional dancer back when he was still young and idealistic.  Dance was his everything back then.  His high school self would never have imagined living the life he lives today.  His high school self was selfish, thinking only of his own enjoyment when he envisioned his future.  His mother’s words ring in his head.

 

_“It’s hard to make it as a professional dancer, Jonghyun.  I’ll always support you whatever you do, but if you decide to follow that path you need to be prepared for what will come if you don’t succeed.  You might end up working two jobs on the side just to support yourself chasing that dream.  No matter how hard you work at it and how determined you are, there’s no guarantee of success.”_

Jonghyun, whose parents have always given him everything he could need, supported him and his sisters in every way, couldn’t bear to ask them for more. Raising a third child has been hard enough on them, and Jonghyun couldn’t let himself fail and end up living off his parents because he was unable make enough money and support himself like an adult.  He didn’t want to become anymore of a financial burden to his family than he already was, so he chose the safe options and went to college, leaving dancing behind and not looking back.  His parents still had to help him pay tuition for college, and Jonghyun felt guilty even though he knew they were relatively financially stable.  He doesn’t deserve their support.  Jonghyun remembers the feel of the wind in his hair and stared up into the sky from the roof of his family’s apartment building, contemplating life the day before he left for college.  If only he wasn’t such a coward.

 

~

 

Jonghyun’s ringtone interrupts the silence of his apartment around noon.  He jumps in surprise and fumbles for his phone and picks up without looking at who it is.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Jonghyun? It’s Minhyun, are you okay?  The boss said you called in sick.”  Minhyun’s worried voice emulates through Jonghyun’s cellphone

 

“I’ll be fine,” Jonghyun tells him, trying to change his voice to sound sick.

 

“Are you sure?”  Minhyung asks.  “I’m sad that I don’t have anyone to eat lunch with today.  Do you want me to bring you some medicine after work? Is there anything you need?”

 

“N-no,” Jonghyun says quickly, panicking and afraid Minhyun will catch him in his lie.  “I’m fine, Minhyun.  Really.”

 

“If you say so.”  Minhyun says, not sounding convinced.  “You’ll be back tomorrow, right?”

 

“Of course.” Jonghyun assures him, resigning himself to leaving the safety of his apartment the next day.  “You don’t need to worry about me.  Go eat lunch.”

 

“Good bye, Jonghyun.  See you tomorrow! Get well soon!” 

 

“Bye.” Jonghyun says quietly before hanging up.                                                                 

 

~

 

Minhyun greets Jonghyun with a megawatt smile when Jonghyun comes into work and settles himself at his desk the next day.  The cloud of Jonghyun’s weekend funk seems to melt away before the warmth in Minhyun’s eyes.  He feels light and all of the projects he’s responsible for seem to go quicker and more smoothly that day.  He keeps catching Minhyun’s eye throughout the day, practically every time he looks up from his computer screen.  They spend lunch break together, as usual, and Jonghyun listens to Minhyun chatter about his friends and what happened at the bar after Jonghyun left.

 

“And then Woojin randomly decided to practice judo-flipping on Jihoon and the staff thought they were actually fighting and made us leave.”   Minhyun tells Jonghyun animatedly.  “I hope they don’t stop inviting the dance crew to perform there because of it,” Minhyun continues.  “Although, if I was them I would have kicked them out a long time ago for the way Seongwoo and Daniel get when they drink after performances.”

 

“How do they get?” Jonghyun asks.

 

“They can’t keep their hands off each other.”  Minhyun explains.  “It’s a whole new level of PDA, even time I witness it I want to wash my eyes out.”

 

Jonghyun giggles.  He’s starting to wish that he had stayed at the bar with Minhyun instead of running home after his interaction with Minki.  Minhyun’s friends seem like nice people.  He would probably have just been an outsider in their midst though, unable to really be part of their fun… Maybe it’s better that he left early, Minhyun probably wouldn’t have had as much fun if he had to worry about Jonghyun.

 

“I’m going to check out a new café that opened up near my place with Seongwoo and Daniel this weekend,” Minhyun says.  “You should come with us!”

 

Jonghyun freezes.  Why is Minhyun inviting him to hang out outside of work when he was so boring to be around the last time?  He doesn’t understand.  Why does Minhyun have to make so much effort to be nice to him?

 

“I promise Seongwoo and Daniel won’t get weird,” Minhyun assures him, seemingly assuming that Jonghyun’s hesitation is because of that. “There won’t be any alcohol in the equation so there isn’t any chance of that.”  When Jonghyun is still unresponsive, Minhyun changes tact.  “You don’t have to come if you don’t want to,” Minhyun tells him.  “I just though last weekend was fun, so maybe we could… hang out more?”

 

“O-okay,” Jonghyun answers, not sure how to read the situation. “I’ll come.”

 

~

 

On Thursday night, Jonghyun’s phone buzzes and he sees that he has a message notification.  Assuming it’s an update from Minhyun about their plans for the weekend, he quickly opens it.

 

Hey, Jonghyun. It’s Minki.

Are you free Saturday? If you have time let’s catch up.

 

Jonghyun should have expected Minki to reach out to him like he said he was going to.  He’s genuinely appreciative that Minki is going out of his way to try to hang out with him, but to Jonghyun Minki belongs to a part of his life that he’s locked away deep in his soul and doesn’t want to revisit.  He doesn’t need another reminder of what his life used to be compared to what it is now.  He does save Minki’s number in his phone though.  Maybe someday he’ll be ready to open that door again and accept what he’s become. He texts Minki back:

 

Sorry, have plans this weekend.

Maybe another time.

 

Jonghyun lays back on his bed and gazes at the ceiling for a moment before closing his eyes.  It’s easy for him to pretend he’s in a different time and place when he closes his eyes.  He can travel back to a day in high school when he lay sprawled out like this after a tiring dance practice.  He can go back to the day he decided to go to a college renowned for their business program, without a single art related major.  He had laid on his bed for a long time that day too, before he finally went up to the roof…  It’s no good for him to be thinking about past failure now though.

 

Jonghyun switched off his bedside lamp and tries to fall asleep.

 

~

 

The new café near Minhyun’s apartment has a cozy, home-like atmosphere.   Inside there are comfy couches and arm chairs, there’s also a porch with a few tables for outdoor seating, one of which is occupied by a ginger cat.  Upon arriving they spend a good five minutes waiting for Daniel to finish petting the cat before Seongwoo urges Minhyun and Jonghyun to go in, order and find seating while he waits for Daniel.  Jonghyun is opening his mouth to say that they don’t mind waiting, but Minhyun grabs his arm lightly and ushers him inside before the words can escape his lips.

 

Apart from a few busy looking students leaning over their laptops in concentration, the café is pretty much empty.  After ordering drinks from the spacey-looking barista, they settle themselves on a couch by a table in the corner.  

 

“I like it here,” Jonghyun tells Minhyun.  “The atmosphere is relaxing.”

 

“Yeah?” Minhyun replies, looking at Jonghyun with a smile and a look in his eyes that Jonghyun can’t decipher.  “My apartment is a block away, so maybe you could hang out with me more as an excuse to come here.”

 

Jonghyun giggles, unsure of how to reply.  Is Minhyun _flirting_ with him? He must be reading this wrong.

 

“Maybe.” Jonghyun replies.

 

By the time Seongwoo and Daniel join them Jonghyun and Minhyun’s drinks have already arrived.  The couple plot themselves down across from Jonghyun and Minhyun and then, after a moment of deliberation Daniel gets up to order their drinks.  As soon as he’s gone, Seongwoo sighs in exasperation.

 

“The only reason Daniel agreed to leave the cat was because a bug flew by and scared him.”  Seongwoo explains.  “Once he sees a cat there’s no controlling him.”

 

Even though Seongwoo seems frustrated with his boyfriend on the surface, Jonghyun catches the affection behind the scolding.  Jonghyun smiles to himself as he listens Seongwoo continue his tirade.

 

“…Last year I took him to a cat café for his birthday and we lost our reservation at the restaurant I booked for dinner because Daniel wouldn’t leave until the café made us go because it was time for it to close!  I mean, it was his birthday so I didn’t really mind because that’s what he wanted, but still!”  Seongwoo continues to go on about Daniel’s excessive passion for felines.  Jonghyun is glad that so far he’s been able to just listen to Seongwoo talk without having to actually contribute to the conversation.  It’s easy to listen to Seongwoo and this way he doesn’t have to bore Seongwoo and Minhyun with his lackluster conversation skills.  Unfortunately, it doesn’t remain that way.

 

“So Jonghyun,” Seongwoo says suddenly. Jonghyun lurches and quickly swallows the sip of coffee he just took.  “I barely got to talk to you last weekend.  Tell me about yourself, I want to get to know Minhyun’s cr-” Seongwoo pauses in response to a sharp look from Minhyun. “Co-worker.” He finishes.

 

“I’m nothing special.” Jonghyun tells him.  “Just an average boring office worker.”

 

“You’re definitely above average,” Minhyun cuts in.  “Don’t sell yourself short, you’re the most diligent person in our department!”  Jonghyun’s ears feel uncomfortably warm.

 

“Don’t worry, I’m sure you can’t be more boring than Minhyun.” Seongwoo assures him.  Minhyun looks slightly offended.  “What do you do outside of work though? Any hobbies?”

 

“N-not really.” Jonghyun answers nervously.  “Just stay home and watch movies and stuff.”

 

“What kind of movies?” Seongwoo asks him.  Jonghyun hesitates, not wanting to admit that by movies he means anime.  Seongwoo, evidently, takes his hesitation to mean something else. “ _Adult_ movies?”  He asks, wiggling his eyebrows at Jonghyun.

 

“N-no!” Jonghyun replies strongly. “…I like watching anime.” He admits, seeing no way out of it.  Seongwoo bursts out laughing.

 

“Calm, collected, professional office worker Kim Jonghyun is actually a huge nerd!”  Seongwoo exclaims once he manages to stop laughing.  “No wonder my dork friend likes you so much,” Seongwoo continues.  Minhyun clenches a napkin in his hand, staring at Seongwoo with an expression that makes Jonghyun think he’s going to shove it into Seongwoo’s mouth.  “Minhyun’s made me watch transformers with me five times! He’s doesn’t exactly have sophisticated taste!”

 

Minhyun is about to open his mouth to rebuke Seongwoo in some way when Seongwoo and Daniel’s drinks arrive.  Jonghyun watches as Minhyun blinks in confusing.

 

“How come your drinks arrived, but Daniel never came back from ordering?”  Minhyun asks.

 

“I’ll go find him.”  Seongwoo says, nonplussed, and gets up to look for his boyfriend. 

 

“He comes on a little strong.”  Minhyun tells Jonghyun once Seongwoo is out of earshot.  “I’m sorry if he said anything that made you uncomfortable.  The part about- ”

 

“It’s fine.”  Jonghyun assures Minhyun.  “I’m not uncomfortable or anything. He’s a funny person.”

 

Minhyun smiles, evidently reassured.  “Just don’t let him hear you say that.”  Minhyun tells him.  “He compliments himself enough already.” 

 

“Note taken.”  Jonghyun says laughing.

 

It turns out that Daniel discovered another cat sleeping next to the register and has been petting it the entire time.  Seongwoo tells them to leave first as they’ve already finished their drinks and if they wait for Daniel they’ll be there all day.

 

“Do you, uh, want to come over to my place?”  Minhyun shyly asks Jonghyun as they exit the café.  “I have some anime DVDs we could watch if you want.”

 

“Alright.” Jonghyun agrees without hesitation. If he went home he’d just end up watching anime by himself anyway.  He’s not going to pass up an opportunity to spend more time with Minhyun.

 

~

 

Minhyun’s apartment is modest, neat and impeccably clean.  It’s a standard one bedroom apartment very similar to Jonghyun’s own, but by the power of Minhyun’s housekeeping abilities it feels a lot nicer than Jonghyun’s.   Jonghyun settles himself on Minhyun’s sofa and watches awkwardly as Minhyun looks through his DVDs, setting aside the anime ones.

 

“What do you want to watch?”  Minhyun asks, laying the DVDs out in front of Jonghyun.  Jonghyun thinks for a minute before responding.

 

“Hmmm… Maybe Pokemon? I’m in the mood to see something classic” Jonghyun decides.  Minhyun smiles and nods, putting the other DVDs back on the shelf.

 

“Do you want popcorn or anything before we start watching?”  Minhyun asks.

 

“I don’t want to trouble you.”  Jonghyun tells him.

 

“It’s not troubling me, I’d be eating it too,” Minhyun tells him.

 

“Okay then,” Jonghyun says with an awkward giggle.  “I’d like popcorn.”

 

Minhyun disappears to the kitchen for a few minutes, leaving Jonghyun to sit waiting in the living room as he prepares the popcorn.  Jonghyun takes the time to glance around Minhyun’s living room.  He doesn’t dare move around and touch anything for fear that he could mess up the perfect organization of the room.  Apart from the couch by the TV that Jonghyun is currently sitting at, there’s a table and chair in the far corner which is presumably where Minhyun usually eats.  There are a few photos on the walls, some of which show Minhyun with Seongwoo and his other friends.  On the coffee table there is an action figure of Optimus Prime which makes Jonghyun smile, remembering Seongwoo’s earlier remark.  When Minhyun comes back, Jonghyun hastily stops looking around, not wanting to seem creepy.  Minhyun puts a bowl of popcorn on the coffee table, starts the DVD and sits down beside Jonghyun.

 

It’s different watching Anime with someone by his side.  At first, Jonghyun is hyper-aware of Minhyun, but he finds himself calming down after a few minutes.  He likes listening to Minhyun’s occasional comment on the show ever so often, and he even finds himself pointing out things to Minhyun that he thinks Minhyun will find interesting.

 

“It looks like you.”  Minhyun says as a trainer brings out wartortle.  Jonghyun looks at him quizzically.

 

“Does he?”  Jonghyun squints at the TV, trying to see the resemblance.

 

“Not the trainer, silly,” Minhyun clarifies.  “The wartortle.”

 

“What?”  Jonghyun says, even more confused.

 

“You have the same smile,” Minhyun explains.  He starts to reach up towards Jonghyun’s lips but quickly thinks better of it and draws his hand back.  Jonghyun hums and reaches for more popcorn. 

 

A few minutes later, when the popcorn bowl is empty and Jonghyun’s hand rests unoccupied by his side, he feels Minhyun’s fingers hesitantly brush his before gently in closing his hand.  Vaguely surprised, he glances up at Minhyun.

 

“Is this… okay?” Minhyun asks him with unsureness in his eyes.  Jonghyun doesn’t trust himself with words, so he just blinks and nods. Minhyun clutches his hand tighter.


	2. Interlude 1: Minhyun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minhyun finally gets the guts to talk to the coworker he has a massive crush on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A fluffy chapter before the angst ensues.

The first day Minhyun starts his new job new is dumbstruck by how attractive his coworker on the desk across from him is. Lucky for him, his beautiful coworker is too focused on his work to notice Minhyun gawking at him. He hasn’t even realized Minhyun is there.  After taking a moment to collect himself, Minhyun clears his throat.

 

“Hi!”  Minhyun introduced himself smiling awkwardly.  “I’m Hwang Minhyun.  This is my first day working here.

 

His gorgeous coworker blinks in surprise, clearing shaken by being pulling out of his work by Minhyun’s voice.  “Oh,” He scratches the back of his head, looking down at his desk for a moment before taking Minhyun’s outstretched hand.  “Welcome to the company, I’m Kim Jonghyun.”

 

Jonghyun’s hand feels warm against Minhyun’s as they shake hands.

 

~

 

It takes Minhyun a month to muster up the bravery to ask Jonghyun to have lunch with him.  His heart pounds as he catches Jonghyun’s eye from across the desks and blurts out: “Wanna eat lunch together?”

 

At first Jonghyun doesn’t look like he’s going to agree.  He stares at Minhyun with a blank expression for several seconds, and Minhyun feels like he’s going to explode with embarrassment.  He can feel his ears starting to heat up.

 

Then Jonghyun nods.  “Okay.”  He agrees.  Minhyun can’t help himself from smiling.

 

Minhyun falls into his habit of nervous rambling as he sits by Jonghyun in the breakroom eating lunch. He talks about everything from how his first month at the company has been to home in Busan.  He talks about a dog he saw on the way to work and how he almost burned his throat drinking coffee that was too hot that morning.  Jonghyun nods along as he speaks and Minhyun is enraptured by his handsome face.

 

“When I went to give a report to another department yesterday I heard Jaehwan singing in the bathroom.”  Minhyun rambles on.  “It wasn’t bad, it was actually really good, it just startled me! Hearing him belt a high note all of a sudden like that with no warning.  I almost dropped the papers I was holding!”

 

Minhyun is about to continue talking aimlessly when something magical happens.  Jonghyun smiles.  The way the corners of his lips curve up is mesmerizing, and his whole face seems to light up.  Before, Minhyun thought Jonghyun was attractive, now Minhyun finds him positively adorable.

 

“At least that didn’t happen when you were in the bathroom trying to go,” Jonghyun says with a small laugh.  Minhyun can’t help but beam at him.

 

“Did that happen to you?”  Minhyun asks eagerly.

 

“Unfortunately.”  Jonghyun replies.

 

They spend the last few minutes of their lunch break making fun of Jaehwan.  Minhyun is glad that Jonghyun seems to be opening up to him.  Maybe he, like Minhyun, is just a little shy.  Minhyun feels giddy for the rest of the day.

 

~

 

“I talked to him today.”  Minhyun tells his roommate as they eat takeout in their living room that night.

 

“Really?!” Seongwoo exclaims through a mouth full of noodles.  “Did you ask to borrow his pen or something?”

 

Minhyun glares at him.  “I’m not _that_ pathetic!” He retorts.  “We had lunch together.” 

 

Seongwoo applauds and slaps Minhyun on the back vigorously.  “I’m so proud! Did you sweep him off his feet and mesmerize him with that handsome face of yours? Where did you take him?  You paid for his food, right?”

 

“We just, um… ate our packed lunches together in the breakroom.” Minhyun explains awkwardly. Seongwoo looks at him in exasperation.

 

“Well, I suppose that’s better than nothing.”  Seongwoo concedes, shaking his head a little.  “It’s a baby step at least.  I can’t wait to tell Daniel, he’ll be so surprised that you actually made the first move!  You’re still coming to our performance this Friday, right?”

 

“Yes, it’s not like I have any other friends.”  Minhyun assures him.  “I’m glad gossiping about my nonexistent love life brings you two so much joy.”

 

“It might not be nonexistent forever now that you’ve had a lunch date with him,” Seongwoo smirks.  Minhyun feels his ears go red. “Did he seem into you?”

 

“First of all, it wasn’t a date.” Minhyun insists, but Seongwoo looks unconvinced.  “He was reserved at first, but then he seemed to open up a little?  He laughed when I made fun of Jaehwan.”

 

“So far so good!”  Seongwoo says patting Minhyun on the shoulder.  “Now you just have to keep asking him to lunch! If he keeps agreeing it means that he likes you too! If not I can set you up with someone else to help you get over him!”

 

“He might just keep going to lunch with me because he wants to be platonic friends,” Minhyun counters.  “And I’d never in my right mind trust you to set me up on a blind date.”

 

“Maybe, but you need more friends anyway.” Seongwoo says shrugging.  “And your loss. I’m practically the reincarnation of cupid.” 

 

Minhyun laughs and asks Seongwoo about the dance crew’s upcoming performance as a way to steer the conversation away from himself. 

 

~

 

Months pass by.  Their lease ends and Seongwoo decides to move in with his boyfriend.  Minhyun moves into a modest one bedroom apartment closer to the office.  He misses Seongwoo’s company, but not his messes.  It’s nice to have his own space to decorate however he wants.  Although without Seongwoo he has no one to come home to and to gush about Jonghyun to.  Quiet, hard-working Jonghyun who is always the first person at the office and the last to leave; who makes small sounds of satisfaction and frustration under his breathe when he’s engrossed in a project. Adorable Jonghyun who smiles at him more often now when they eat lunch together. His crush on Jonghyun has gotten ridiculously out of hand.  Technically he could still call Seongwoo and gush over the phone, but making a phone call for the sole purpose of talking to Seongwoo about his pretty coworker seems a lot more embarrassing than talking to Seongwoo about it in person.  He makes up for it by gushing to Seongwoo when they see each other on the weekends or get dinner together on week nights. 

 

“Now if only you could balls up and ask him on an actual date.”  Seongwoo tells Minhyun exasperatedly after Minhyun tells him in detail about how Jonghyun thanked him for bringing him coffee the previous week.  “Then I wouldn’t have to listen to you go over the moon about him saying a single word in your general direction.  I’m this close from storming your workplace and asking him out on your behalf.”   Minhyun stares at Seongwoo, open mouthed in horror.

 

“Let’s not do anything drastic,” Daniel intercedes, giggling.  It’s Friday night and the three of them are eating dinner together at one of their favorite restaurants.  “I’m sure Minhyun-hyung just needs time, he’s already made progress!”  Seongwoo starts to open his mouth to argue, but Daniel continues before he can.  “And,” Daniel smiles so that his eyes become crescents. “I seem to remember hearing that it took you a while to ask me out, so who’re you to talk?”

 

Seongwoo reddens.  “That’s just because I wanted to make sure it was perfect.” He mutters into Daniel’s shoulder as the younger pulls him in, still laughing at him. 

 

Minhyun feels a bit lonely watching the couple’s antics.  He doesn’t mind third-wheeling, especially considering that Seongwoo is his best friend, but watching the happy couple it’s hard not to think about his own lack of a significant other and feel a little sad.  When they seem to forget that Minhyun is with them and start kissing in a manner that turns the heads of some of the other customers at the restaurant, Minhyun clears his throat and they abruptly break apart, looking flustered and rightfully embarrassed.

 

“You know, Hyung,” Daniel starts, clearly trying to avoid talking about what just happened by taking control of the conversation.  “We have a performance next week, you could just invite the cute guy at your work to come with you.”

 

Minhyun chokes on the sip of water he just took.  Seongwoo slaps his back to help him get through it, looking mildly concerned.

 

“I mean, you wouldn’t have to frame it as a date or anything,” Daniel clarifies.  “You could bring it up casually when you’re eating lunch with him and see if he’s interested –if not, oh well! He might just not like watching dance performances! Try inviting him to do something else later!”

 

Minhyun takes a moment to think about Daniel’s suggestion.  He definitely isn’t brave enough to outright ask Jonghyun to go on a date with him, but asking him to go watch the crew’s performance as friends might be possible.   It’s a tall order though, Minhyun still gets goosebumps every time he asks Jonghyun to eat lunch with him at the office.

 

“I’ll think about it,” Minhyun finally tells them with a sigh.  “No promises though.”

 

Seongwoo starts clapping and several other restaurant patrons turn their heads to stare at them again.  “Do your best Hyung!” Daniel says raising his glass in a mock toast.  “We believe in you!”

 

“And if it doesn’t work out for any reason, we’ll be here for you.”  Seongwoo adds, serious for once. 

 

Minhyun thanks them both and prays that he can actually muster the courage to ask Jonghyun.

 

~

 

It takes Minhyun the better part of the week to muster up the courage to approach Jonghyun.  Jonghyun seems a little off when they change things up by going to a restaurant instead of the break room for lunch, and Minhyun starts to rethink the idea of asking him to come see Seongwoo’s performance, but after a few minutes he seems to relax back into their normal conversation and Minhyun collects himself enough to take the leap.

 

Jonghyun looks startled after the words slip out of Minhyun’s lips and for a moment Minhyun’s sure he’s made a terrible mistake.  Jonghyun is looking at Minhyun like a frightened deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming car.   Minhyun doesn’t know what exactly made Jonghyun react that way, but he quickly racks his brain for words that might fix it.

 

“It’s okay if you’re busy,” he tells Jonghyun quickly.  Maybe Jonghyun has another engagement and is scared because he thinks Minhyun will be offended if he turns him down. “I just thought it would be fun to hang out outside of the office.  It’s totally okay if you don’t want to!”  Minhyun is thinking so hard to come up with more words to make the panic in Jonghyun’s eyes go away that he almost doesn’t catch it when Jonghyun agrees.

 

It’s hard to contain his joy as Jonghyun punches his number into Minhyun’s phone.  He can’t wait for Saturday to come.

 

~

 

When he gets home that day he can’t contain himself any longer and give Seongwoo a call.

 

“Hello? Minhyun?”  Seongwoo answers the phone.

 

“He said yes!” Minhyun tells him breathlessly.

 

“You proposed to him?!”  Seongwoo shouts over the phone.  “Wow you really stepped up your game.  Can I be your best man?”

 

“He said yes as in yes he’ll come watch your performance with me this weekend,” Minhyun clarifies, knowing that Seongwoo definitely knew what he meant all along.

 

“Well, I supposed that’s better than nothing.”  Seongwoo tells him.  “Lemme tell Daniel- _Hey Daniel, Minhyun actually asked cute-work-guy and he’s coming!_ ”  Minhyun faintly hears Daniel say something in response but he can’t quite make it out.  “Daniel says good job,” Seongwoo tells him.  “I can’t wait to meet this guy, finally put a face to all your lovesick ramblings…”

 

“Promise me you won’t say anything weird to him.”  Minhyun pleads.

 

“I never say anything weird,” Seongwoo counters.  “You’re the one with a weird obsession with his facial structure.”

 

“You know what I mean!”  Minhyun tells him in annoyance.  “Don’t talk about my obsession with his facial structure in front of him!”

 

“I get it, I get it,” Seongwoo agrees breezily.  “I won’t let slip how infatuated you are with him to his face.”

 

“Good.”  Minhyun says and hangs up, still not entirely convinced that Seongwoo is going to behave.

 

~

 

In his excitement and nervousness at finally getting to hang out with Jonghyun outside of work Minhyun shows up to the restaurant he told Jonghyun to meet him at thirty minutes early.  He paces in front of the restaurant, neurotically checking his phone every few minutes.  When Jonghyun finally appears he looks different than Minhyun’s ever seen him.  At the office, Jonghyun always dresses in button-up shirts and slacks like a model employee; today he wears an oversized hoodie that hangs down past his hips.  Minhyun thinks he looks downright huggable.  Minhyun brushes off Jonghyun’s apologies for his lateness and casual dress and they head to the bar.  He realizes he forgot to tell Jonghyun that there’s an entrance fee and quickly pays it for him before Jonghyun can reach for his wallet; it’s only fair as he didn’t let him know in advance.  He buys them drinks and they settle at a table with a good view of the stage.

 

Jonghyun seems a little strange again, kind of like how he was at the restaurant they ate lunch at earlier in the week.  Minhyun watches his eyes dart around the bar and listens to him apologize for letting Minhyun pay for him.  Even though Minhyun assures Jonghyun that he doesn’t mind paying, Jonghyun still looks upset.  Minhyun makes a mental note not to try to pay for him again, he doesn’t want to keep making him uncomfortable.  What if Jonghyun doesn’t like him for taking him to a place like this on their first date?  Not that it’s actually a date…  Minhyun does the only thing he knows how to do and rambles about his friends and the weather hoping that will put Jonghyun at ease.  It doesn’t work.  When the lights dim to signal that the performance is about to begin, Minhyun gives up.  Hopefully Jonghyun at least likes the performance.

 

It’s hard for Minhyun to focus on his friends’ dances with Jonghyun next to him.  The moment they start dancing he sees Jonghyun’s eyes light up and a small smile play across his lips.  So he does like dancing.  Minhyun is relieved, maybe he hasn’t completely ruined his chances with Jonghyun just yet.

 

When the performance ends, Minhyun drags Jonghyun over to his friends to introduce them.  The all smile at Jonghyun and introduce themselves warmly, some of them throwing knowing glances at Minhyun which he does his best to ignore.  He chats to them nervously, trying to avoid the subject of himself and Jonghyun because he doesn’t know what Seongwoo and Daniel might have told the rest of the crew.  After a few minutes, Jonghyun excuses himself to the bathroom and they all turn to stare at Minhyun with knowing smiles in awkward silence.  Minhyun wishes he could melt into the floor.

 

“He is pretty cute,” Daniel is the first to break the quiet.  “I can see why you like him, Hyung.”

 

“nOT AS CUTE AS ME!” Seongwoo argues drunkenly, on arm slung around Daniel’s waist, the other holding a cocktail.

 

“Yes, babe, you’ll always be the cutest in my eyes, don’t worry.”  Daniel tells Seongwoo indulgently, pecking his cheek as Woojin makes vomiting noises behind them.

 

“How old is he?” Hyungseob asks curiously, and Minhyun starts to answer but he’s cut off by more questions before he can speak.

 

“Where is he from?”

 

“How long have you guys been a thing?”

 

“Whose performance did he like the best?”

 

Minhyun gets so distracted by all of the questions that he doesn’t realize how long it’s been since Jonghyun left for the bathroom.  It only hits him once he gets a respite and he immediately leaves the group to go look for Jonghyun, but he’s nowhere to be seen.  He’s not in the bathroom or the lounge area or in the hallway.  When Minhyun finally gives up and goes back to the group some of them are talking on the side while others bust out moves on the dance floor.  Minhyun quickly turns away from where Seongwoo and Daniel are dancing in a way that is definitely far from PG.  He sighs and plops himself down on a stool next to Jihoon.

 

“I can’t find Jonghyun anywhere!” He moans, resting his head on the table.  Jihoon looks up from his drink, as if only then realizing that Minhyun was there.

 

“Don’t worry about it, Hyung.”  Jihoon says, his voice a lot calmer than Minhyun feels.  “He probably just left early because he was tired or something.  He looked a little overwhelmed when he said he to all of us, maybe he’s just shy?”

 

“Maybe, but I still made a terrible impression on him tonight…”  Minhyun mumbles into the table.

 

“I’m sure you didn’t. He already knows you, right?  He won’t judge you on one not so great experience.”  Jihoon continues.  “Just take him somewhere with less people next time, he might feel more comfortable that way.”

 

“…You’re better at relationship advice than Seongwoo.”  Minhyun confides as he takes his face off the table.

 

“I’m just more observant and less self-absorbed.” Jihoon says with a laugh and his signature wink.  Minhyun is about to say something when Woojin interrupts their conversation.

 

“Hey Jihoon, come over here I want to try something!”

 

~

 

Minhyun takes Jihoons advice and asks him to come to the new café with him Seongwoo and Daniel the next weekend.  He’s scared that Jonghyun isn’t going to agree, but he does, and Minhyun resolves to do his best to make Jonghyun feel comfortable this time.  He’s hesitant about including Seongwoo and Daniel, but decides to bring them into it anyway because if it was just him and Jonghyun it would really feel like a date.  Which he doesn’t think he’s ready for, at least not yet.

 

As it turns out, thanks to the presence of cats at the café, a large portion of their time at the café is just him and Jonghyun.  Jihoon is right, Jonghyun does seem more comfortable and relaxed in the calmer atmosphere of the café.  Even when Seongwoo and Daniel join them Seongwoo starts being weird he seems fine. And by some miracle Minhyun summons the courage to ask him to come over to his apartment afterwards and he agrees.

 

Minhyun’s palms sweat as he makes popcorn in his kitchen while Jonghyun waits in the other room.  Even though they’re just watching anime, he still feels nervous.  This is pretty much a date, right? Or are they just hanging out as friends?  Minhyun doesn’t know what he wants the answer to be.  He likes Jonghyun, but he doesn’t want to go too fast and screw things up.

 

Minhyun’s nerves lessen when they start watching.  He likes Pokemon and it’s nice to have someone to indulge him when he makes comments as he watches it.  Jonghyun seems to be enjoying himself too.  When the popcorn bowl is empty and Jonghyun’s hand lies empty by his side another crazy burst of courage surges over Minhyun. 

 

He takes Jonghyun’s hand.  For a moment he’s terrified that he’s made a giant mistake and misinterpreted everything.  Then Jonghyun nods his consent and Minhyun feels warm all over. 

 

Maybe Jonghyun does like him.

 

And in that moment Minhyun knows that he sorely wants to make Jonghyun happy.  He wants to make Jonghyun smile.  He wants to make Jonghyun feel safe and comfortable around him, and he is going to try his hardest to work towards that goal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As you might have noticed, I changed the total number of chapters. I decided to break up the last chapter into two and put another Minhyun chapter in the middle of it. The chapter length may be will be uneven this way, but story-wise I think it will make sense. 
> 
> The next chapter will be VERY VERY angsty (although there will be a little fluff too) and potentially triggering beyond just involving anxiety. I will put a more detailed warning at the beginning and potentially add more tags when I post it.


	3. Part 2: Jonghyun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jonghyun and Minhyun go on a business trip. Jonghyun's two different lives collide.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: ANXIETY, PANIC ATTACKS, SELF-HARM, SUICIDE, MILD GORE

 

Jonghyun doesn’t know what exactly they are, but he likes it.  He likes how Minhyun keeps invited him to watch movies and anime at his apartment on weekends and how he puts his arm around Jonghyun and lets him snuggle into his side.  He likes that Minhyun doesn’t mind if he falls asleep on his shoulder when he feels tired.  He likes how Minhyun smiles at him when he looks up from his computer screen at work.

 

He still doesn’t understand why Minhyun is being nice to him and letting him into his life.  Jonghyun still dodges questions about his past that he doesn’t want to answer.  He feels guilty whenever Minhyun goes out of his way to do things for him, but Minhyun insists it isn’t trouble for him.

 

Most weekends they hang out with Seongwoo or Minhyun’s other friends, or just spend time together with only the two of them.  Jonghyun slowly gets to know Minhyun’s friends and learns to feel comfortable around them.  Seongwoo talks a lot and thirsts for laughter; despite his love for cats Daniel’s personality is like a puppy; Jihoon hides his competitiveness behind a pretty face; Woojin seems shy on first impression but is a crazy kid at heart; Samuel is earnest; and Hyungseob is diligent behind all his silliness.   They are all friendly and warm towards Jonghyun and he doesn’t believe them when they tell him they have fun hanging out with him, but it makes him happy.  He goes with Minhyun to watch their dance performances and feels comfortable hanging out with them afterwards even though the group is big.  Minhyun never holds his hand or show Jonghyun other forms physical affection in front of his friends, but Jonghyun is content that way.  He doesn’t want the pressure of the questions that would inevitably come their way if they were more public.

 

Another benefit of spending most of his time outside of work with Minhyun is that he doesn’t have to lie to turn Minki down whenever he asks Jonghyun if he’s free.  It’s not that Jonghyun doesn’t like Minki, he just feels anxious at the thought of his old life and the life he’s currently living and just starting to kind of enjoy mixing together.  Minki is getting less and less willing to accept Jonghyun’s excuses for why he doesn’t have time to meet up though, it’s only a matter of time before he forces Jonghyun to commit to a hanging out with him regardless of whether Jonghyun has plans or not.

 

“You already have plans for the whole weekend _again_?” Minki asks him incredulously over the phone.

 

“Yeah, sorry…” Jonghyun apologizes meekly.

 

“I work at a fashion magazine and go partying with hot models on the regular, but even _I_ can spare time out of my busy schedule to hang out with an old friend!”  Minki scolds him.  “I’m starting to think you’re blowing me off on purpose!”

 

“I’m not, I swear.” Jonghyun assures him guiltily. 

 

“If you don’t find time for me soon I’m going to track you down and drag you to a club with me, even if you’re in the middle of an important business meeting!”  Minki threatens.

 

“I know,” Jonghyun replies with a nervous laugh.

 

“I have to sort through the photos from our latest shoot, talk to you later okay?”  Minki says, much to Jonghyun’s relief.  “Don’t be such a stranger Jonghyun!”

 

“Right, bye!” Jonghyun hangs up.  He sighs.  It’s good to talk to Minki, but he always feels a bit guilty afterwards.  Maybe he should agree to meet up with Minki. If he can talk on the phone with him meeting up in person shouldn’t be that bad, right?

 

~

 

On Thursday Jonghyun is called to the boss’s office unexpectedly.  Worst-case scenarios of being laid-off or fired flood through his brain as he takes the elevator up. He takes a couple deep breaths as he walks down the hallway and pauses at the door to his eyes and collect himself for a moment before turning the door knob and entering.

 

Jonghyun likes his boss.  Boa has a warm smile and an unintimidating demeanor, which is probably why he didn’t completely flub his interview when he first applied for the job like so many of the others.

 

Boa is seated at her desk, typing away on a laptop when Jonghyun enters the room, but upon seeing him her fingers cease tapping the keys and closes the laptop, puts it aside and motions for Jonghyun to take the seat in front of her desk.

 

“As you probably know, we’re sending a team to do a check on the branch we opened in Taipei six months ago.” Boa says as soon as Jonghyun sits down.  He relaxes, if she was going to fire him, she wouldn’t be talking about the new Taipei branch.  “Two of the people I was planning on sending had issues come up last minute,” Boa sighs, running a hand through her hair.  “Can you replace one of them? You would fly out Monday morning and return on Saturday afternoon.”

 

“I can go.” Jonghyun agrees.  It’s not like he has much of a life outside of work anyway.

 

“Great,” Boa smiles at him.  “I’ll email you the details later.  You can get back to work.”  Jonghyun gets up, thanks her and starts to the door.  “Oh! And can you send Hwang Minhyun up to see me?”

 

“Of course.”  Jonghyun answers.  He feels a small spark of excitement at the thought of travelling, even if just for a business trip, with Minhyun.

 

~

 

Jonghyun flips through a tourist guidebook, Minhyun sat in the seat beside him, moving his lips to mouth out words as he studies a Chinese phrase book.  It’s been a long time since the last time Jonghyun was on a plane.  Last time he flew, the seats did each come with a little TV and a selection of inflight movies.  When he gets bored to looking through the guidebook he grabs the remote from the seat pocket and flicks through the selection of movies.

 

“Have you ever been to Taipei before?” Minhyun interrupts his browsing.

 

“No, have you?”  Jonghyun asks, not looking away from the screen, scrolling down for a bit and pausing to consider _The Little Mermaid_.

 

“No.”  Minhyun answers.  “I’ve heard it’s nice though.”

 

Jonghyun hums in agreement.  Minhyun leans over to look at Jonghyun’s TV screen.  “How long is this flight?  Do you even have time to watch a movie?”  Minhyun asks as he watches Jonghyun continue to scroll through the selection.

 

“It’s two and a half hours.”  Jonghyun tells him.  “I have time.”

 

“Shouldn’t you learn a few survival Chinese phrases?”  Minhyun asks, waving his phrase book at Jonghyun.

 

“I have you to help me, why should I?”  Jonghyun says, a smile teasing at the corners of his mouth.  Minhyun playfully hits his arm with the phrase book.

 

“Come on, at least learn a phrase with me!”  Minhyun insists.  “We can quiz each other!” 

 

Giggling, Jonghyun acquiesces and switches off the mini TV screen.  For the rest of the flight he’s subject to listening to Minhyun say phrases over and over again and eventually making Jonghyun say them with him.  Jonghyun’s shoulders brush against Minhyun’s as he leans closer to look at the pronunciation of the phrases.

 

~

They have business meeting for the next two days, so there isn’t any opportunity to go sightseeing.  The hotel they’re staying at is in near where the new branch is located in Ximending though, and Minhyun insists on dragging Jonghyun to the famous toilet restaurant for lunch.  Despite the rather juvenile theme of the restaurant, the food is actually pretty good.  Minhyun insists on taking a selfie sitting on the toilet chairs with their chocolate ice cream (which is clearly meant to look like something else).  They leave the restaurant laughing and Minhyun takes Jonghyun’s hand as they make their way through the busy shopping district and back to the branch for another meeting.

 

“I talked to Sungwoon earlier,” Minhyun says was they pass a group of teenagers flocked around a display at the front of a shoe store.  “He said that we probably won’t be needed in the meetings tomorrow so we can go do whatever we want for the day.”  Minhyun pauses.  “Do you want to go somewhere together?”

 

“Sure.”  Jonghyun agrees easily.  “As long as you’re sure they really don’t need us.”

 

“I’m sure.”  Minhyun says.  “Where should we go?”

 

Jonghyun shrugs.  He didn’t think they’d actually have time to go anywhere fun so he only really flipped through the guidebook.  He doesn’t really remember any of it.  Minhyun laughs at him for going to the trouble of getting a guide book in the first place if he wasn’t going to use it.  When they get back to the hotel they go to Jonghyun’s room and sit on Jonghyun’s bed flipping through it together.

 

“Taipei 101, Pingxi sky lanterns, Maokong gondola, Houtong cat village…”  Minhyun lists as he flips through the glossy pages of Jonghyun’s guide book, sprawled on his stomach on the bed.  “Do any of those sound fun to you?” Minhyun asks, looking up at Jonghyun with earnest eyes.  Jonghyun smiles back at him, leaning over the book seated cross-legged beside Minhyun, feeling lost at the pressure to make a decision.

 

“I’m not sure, where do you want to go?”  Jonghyun asks back lazily.  Minhyun stares back down at the guide book with increased concentration and flips the page to show a mountain town overlooking the sea and streets lined with red lanterns.  The page is entitled Jiufen.

 

“Look it says here that the teahouse is supposedly looks like the bathhouse in _Spirited Away_.”  Minhyun points to the picture above the block of text he just read.  Jonghyun leans in to look closer.

 

“It does look like it!” He exclaims.  “How far is that from here?”

 

“Not far,” Minhyun tells him.  “About an hour by bus.”  Minhyun closes the guide book and squeezes Jonghyun’s hand.  “Let’s go there tomorrow.”

 

~

 

They wake up and eat breakfast early the next day and catch the bus up into the mountains to Jiufen.  Resting a hand on Minhyun’s thigh for support, Jonghyun stands up and leans across Minhyun to look out the window as they pass through a harbor town to get a glimpse of the sea.  It’s a clear autumn day so he can see all the boats and small green islands on the distant ocean towards the horizon with no mist or clouds obstructing the view.  Jonghyun can’t remember the last time he admired scenery like this.  He is transfixed by the sky, sea, and mountains for a few moments before he realizes that he might be blocking Minhyun’s view and quickly sits back down.  Before he can remove his hand from Minhyun’s thigh Minhyun encloses it in his own.  Jonghyun feels his heart speed up a little, not in panic, but in excitement.

 

After riding up a narrow winding mountain road they reach Jiufen.  They take a moment to admire a temple near the bus stop before following the signs up the road past a convenience store to Jiufen Old Street.  They make their way down the small alley way lined with shops selling snacks and souvenirs.  Some of the shops are closed because it’s a weekday morning so there aren’t many tourists to give them business apart from Jonghyun and Minhyun, but there’s still plenty to see.  Jonghyun is captivated by a selection of No Face merchandise at one of the tiny shops along the street and Minhyun giggles at him as he stares at a No Face night light in wonder.  Minhyun asks if he wants it, and Jonghyun quickly shakes his head, not wanting to prompt Minhyun into spending money on him unnecessarily.

 

They eat delicious peanut ice cream wraps from a stall further down the street, and then finally, they come to a stair case lined with red lanterns leading down to a square and the tea house.  They take selfies together in front of the teahouse and wander into an old movie theater on the other side of the square.  The movie theater is more of a museum now, but the signs explaining the historical significance are only in Chinese and English so they can only look at the pictures and try to guess what the signs are saying.  They sit in the old seats to rest their legs after walking around the town all morning and Minhyun makes Jonghyun laugh by pretending to be watching a movie despite the screen being very blank.

 

Once it’s afternoon, they go to the teahouse itself for afternoon tea.  Despite Minhyun’s diligent study of survival Chinese phrases, neither of them can read the menu.   Fortunately, there are pictures so they just end up ordering by pointing to something that looks good.  They chat over tea and snacks and Jonghyun can’t remember ever feeling more at ease as he stares into his cup of oolong tea.   When he looks up, he sees that Minhyun has his phone out and is taking a picture.

 

“Why’re you taking a photo of me?”  Jonghyun asks curiously.  Caught in the act, Minhyun jumps a little in his seat.

 

“Ah, I don’t know… I just saw you looking at your tea and thought it was a nice moment.” Minhyun explains, scratching the back of his head.  “I wanted to capture it in a photo so I’ll always remember this.”  Jonghyun smiles

 

“I want to always remember this too,” he says.  “Let’s take another selfie.”

 

~

 

The rest of their time in Taiwan passes uneventfully, they don’t get another opportunity to go sightseeing and send most of their time in meetings at the branch in Ximending.  They still go out to eat together at restaurants and night markets and the change of scenery compared to Seoul is refreshing, but it can’t rival the magic of their trip to Jiufen.  Still, Jonghyun feels lighter than before.  The tedium and stress of business meetings don’t grate on him as much as they normally would and he has a spring in his step that wasn’t there before.  Even when they board the plane back to Seoul on Saturday Jonghyun still feels bright and cheerful as he buckles his seatbelt, humming a song he heard a street musician play at the night market they went to the previous night.  Minhyun sits beside him, looking through his phone as they wait to take off.  His eyes suddenly widen and Jonghyun raises an eyebrow at him in a question.

 

“Woojin’s birthday is coming up, I can’t believe I didn’t remember until now.”  Minhyun tells him.  “He’s having a get together with the dance team and friends next weekend, you’ll come right?”

 

Jonhyun nods.  While he hasn’t talked to Woojin a whole lot, he likes the kid and is flattered to be invited to celebrate his birthday with him. But at the same time Jonghyun is nervous because he doesn’t know Woojin well enough to be able to pick out a birthday gift. “Should I get him a gift?  What kind of things does Woojin like?”  Jonghyun asks Minhyun.

 

“Don’t worry about it,” Minhyun assures him.  “I can just say that my gift is from both of us.”  He says, patting Jonghyun’s shoulder reassuringly.

 

                                                                             ~

 

The next week of work passes smoothly and easily.  Jonghyun still has the glow of cheerfulness from carrying the memories of the trip with him throughout the week.  Minki calls him asking him his plans for the weekend, and if Jonghyun didn’t actually have plans he feels like he almost might be ready to face the past and hang out with Minki.  He gives Minki his sincere apologies as he turns him down and promises that he’ll have time to see Minki soon.  Before Jonghyun knows it, the week is gone and the weekend arrives.

 

They all meet up at the bar Jonghyun first saw them dance to celebrate.  Jonghyun listens to Minhyun fret about how he’s afraid Woojin and Jihoon will start (play) fighting once they get alcohol in their systems and get everyone kicked out of the bar again.  Jonghyun smiles, half hoping that it will happen because it sounds funny to watch, but of course not wishing for them to get thrown out. 

 

When they arrive, Jonghyun gets introduced to Woojin’s friends outside of the dance crew that he hasn’t met before: Youngmin and Donghyun, who appear to be dating based on how they hold hands and glance at each other, and Daehwi, who has brought along his boyfriend who neither Woojin nor anyone else has met before.  Normally, being around new people in a social setting would make Jonghyun feel awkward and self-conscious, but with Minhyun beside him like an anchor he feels at ease.  They all sit around a table laughing and talking over drinks.  Woojin mentions that he knows Daehwi because they go to the same college and the conversation shifts that way.

 

“Even though it’s only been two years since I graduated, college seems like a life time ago,” Minhyun says.

 

“That’s because your life is boring now.”  Seongwoo interjects.  “Oh wait. We went to college together.  Your life was boring then too.”  Minhyun playfully pretends to hit Seongwoo.

 

“How was college for you, Jonghyun?”  Seongwoo asks casually and Jonghyun feels himself tense a little.  The question isn’t really that personal.  Jonghyun shouldn’t feel uncomfortable answering it, but the pace of his heartbeat picks up a little.

 

“I studied business, got my degree,” Jonghyun answers lamely.

 

“What kind of an answer is that?”  Seongwoo complains.  “Didn’t go to any wild parties or anything? Have any funny stories?”

 

“Not really,” Jonghyun says shrugging.

 

“What a waste!”  Seongwoo exclaims.  “When we were in college I’d go to crazy frat parties all the time! I tried to bring Minhyun, but he always refused to come or left early! The party-pooper! This one time…”

 

Jonghyun lets Seongwoo’s words wash over him, glad to no longer be the target of questions. Truth be told, college was a hard time for Jonghyun.  He got through his classes, but found no enjoyment in studying business.  He didn’t have much in common with his fellow business major classmates so he didn’t make friends.  He would often lie awake wondering why he was there and cursing himself not having the guts to find a way out.  The coursework didn’t come naturally to him and he always felt like he was about to flunk out before each test.  It was a miracle that he had finished with a degree.

 

“You okay?”  Minhyun grasps his hand under the table and Jonghyun realizes he was falling too far into unpleasant memories.

 

“I’m fine.”  He says, giving Minhyun’s hand a little squeeze and smiling at him reassuringly. “I was just spacing out.”

 

“Are you free tomorrow?” Minhyun asks suddenly. 

 

“Of course.” Jonghyun tells him, raising an eyebrow in question.

 

“Can you meet me at the café by my place at 10?”  Minhyun asks, something unreadable in his expression.  “I want to tell you something.”

 

Jonghyun feels uncertainty bubble in his stomach.  Why is Minhyun asking to meet up just to tell him something when they hang out all the time anyway?  Why does Minhyun need to arrange a specific time and place to impart onto Jonghyun whatever he wants to tell him.  What _does_ Minhyun want to tell him?” Jonghyun is pondering the worst possibilities when he feels someone tap his shoulder.  He turns his head to see Minki.

 

“Kim Jonghyun!” Minki exclaims. “So this is what you blew me off for!”   Jonghyun can’t tell if he’s really annoyed or just pretending.

 

“It’s my friend’s birthday…” Jonghyun starts to explain as Seongwoo looks over into the conversation.

 

“Is this a friend of yours, Jonghyun?” Seongwoo asks.  Minhyun is also looking at Jonghyun with curiosity in his eyes.

 

“Choi Minki,” Minki introduces himself to Seongwoo and extends his hand.  “I’m Jonghyun’s highschool classmate.”

 

“Wow, highschool!”  Daniel says excitedly, having been listening in to the conversation.  “You must know a bunch of embarrassing secrets about Jonghyun!”

 

“Oh, you have no idea.”  Minki grins.  “This one time our class did a maid café event,” Minki starts. Jonghyun hides his face in his hands as the others guffaw, embarrassed, but really quite relieved that Minki’s introduction hasn’t created an awkward dynamic.  “He was hesitant to cross dress at first, but by the end of the day he was dancing on the stage and doing aegyo.”  Everyone bursts into laughter.

 

“Shut up,” Jonghyun mutters to Minhyun, who won’t stop giggling.  “You have your own dark past, Seongwoo told me all about how you used to fantasize about Optimus Prime.”

 

“Whatever Seongwoo told you is a lie.”  Minhyun insists stubbornly.  “Minki, did you get any photos when Jonghyun crossdressed?”

 

“I’m sure I did at the time, but it was so long ago.”  Minki sighs, running a hand through his hair.  “I might still have them somewhere.  If I find them I’ll be sure to send them to you.”

 

“Thanks!”  Minhyun tells Minki cheerfully as Jonghyun says “Please don’t.”  Everyone around them laughs.

 

“Hyung, they’re opening the dance floor,” Jonghyun hears Jihoon tell Seongwoo once the laughter dies down.  “Let’s have a dance battle! Me and Woojin versus You and Daniel.  Let’s do it.”

 

“Hey, aren’t you guys that dance crew that performs here sometimes?”  Minki suddenly asks, evidently having also overheard Jihoon.  “I can’t believe I only noticed now.”

 

“We are,” Daniel answers proudly.  “Have you seen us perform?”

 

“I have, you guys are really impressive!”  Minki praises.  “I haven’t seen dancing that good since Jonghyun’s last showcase in high school!”   Jonghyun feels as if the ground has fallen out from under him.  Of course Minki had to mention his high school dance performances.

 

“Jonghyun dances?”  Seongwoo asks Minki incredulously.  Seongwoo’s question is so loud that everyone at the table can’t help but overhear.  Jonghyun can feel everyone at the table fix their gazes on him.  Samuel, who was chatting with Daehwi and Daehwi’s boyfriend turns his head towards Seongwoo, open mouthed.  Woojin and Hyungseob, who were engrossed in their own conversation a moment previously both stare at Jonghyun.  Jonghyun wishes he could disappear.  He doesn’t dare look to his side to see what Minhyun’s response is.

 

“Yeah he was captain of our high school dance team.”  Minki informs everyone casually.  “I figured you guys being friends, you’d practice together and share tips or something.”

 

“This is the first we’ve heard of it.”  Says Hyungseob.

 

“Why didn’t you tell us earlier, Jonghyun?”  Asks Samuel.

 

“I…” Jonghyun starts, his eyes darting from person to person before staring down at the floor. I… ah, I need to use the restroom.”  He finishes lamely.  He get out of his chair shakily and heads down the hall, not daring to look back at Minhyun’s reaction.  He doesn’t go to the restroom.  He slips out the back and takes a taxi to his apartment, running away just like the first time he came to the bar with Minhyun.

 

~

 

Thirty seconds after telling his address to the taxi driver, Jonghyun bursts. Tears fall down his cheeks uncontrollably as he breathes heavily.  His throat feels like it’s closing.  His heart pounds at a dizzying rate and his stomach feels like it’s full of moths.  He can feel his heart beat in his brain, in his throat, in his eardrums, beating out a frantic rhythm and he clutches at his head and squeezes his eyes shut tight.  He wants it all to stop.  The taxi driver asks him if he’s all right but he can’t respond.

 

Everything is messed up.  Everyone knows Jonghyun was lying by omission to them the whole time and now they’ll make Jonghyun dance and see how pathetic he’s become.  They won’t want to be friends with him.  Minhyun won’t want to see him anymore.  He doesn’t know how he’ll face Minhyun at work on Monday.  Maybe he should just quit his job.

 

Jonghyun somehow makes it up the stairs and into his apartment and falls on to the sofa, face down.  He tries to breathe evenly, but the stares of Minhyun’s friends keep haunting his mind and he can’t seem to get out of his state of panic.  _They’ll hate me. They’ll hate me. They’ll hate me.  They’ll hate me_ echoes through Jonghyun’s mind.  He should never have tried to make this life work. He was always destined to fail anyway. 

 

Jonghyun fumbles in his kitchen drawer before finding a pair of scissors.  In college, he often had panic attacks before tests, and hurting himself was one of the only ways he was able to calm himself down.  He rolls up his sleeve and draws the blade of the scissor against his forearm, sighing as he feels the stinging sensation and sees blood well up around the thin, straight cut.  His heart is still racing.  He draws the scissor over his skin again and again and again.  No use. He switches arms.  Still no use.

 

When his arms is a mess of red stripes Jonghyun give up.  Heart still pounding, he strips off all his clothes and gets in the shower.  The hot water feels good flowing over his body, over the smarting cuts on his arms.  His heartbeat slows down a bit and his head starts aching.  He feels tired, almost as if he ran from the bar to his apartment instead of taking a taxi.  He doesn’t know how long he stays under the hot water, but when he gets out he falls straight into his bed.  Maybe in the morning he’ll have the courage to do what he should have done six years ago.

 

When he wakes up on Sunday his heart isn’t beating frantically anymore, but his head hurts and he feels empty inside.  He spends the day in as if in a trance.  He gets out of bed a few times to go to the bathroom and munch on snacks, but most of the day he spends starring up at his bedroom ceiling.  If he looks closely he can see patterns in the paint.  He hears a faint buzzing sound from somewhere in his room; maybe he should get up and see what it is.  It’s probably nothing.  He doesn’t know want time it is.  He finds himself sinking back into sleep.

 

He wakes up on Monday morning to the same buzzing sound.  Blinking at the sunlight streaming through his bedroom window, he realizes that the sound is coming from his phone on his night stand.  He reaches for it and looks at the screen.  His boss is calling.  Jonghyun picks up.

 

“Hello?”  His voice sounds strange when it comes out.

 

“Jonghyun?”  Boa’s voice comes through.  “Where are you? It’s not like you to be this late.”

 

_Late?_ Jonghyun thinks to himself. Late for what? _Work_ , his brain provides helpfully.

 

“I…” Jonghyun begins, unsure of what to say. “I’m…” The words won’t come.  Maybe he should just quit his job right in this moment.

 

“You don’t sound so good, is everything okay?”  Boa sounds concerned.

 

“It’s just- ”  Jonghyun’s voice breaks.

 

“You don’t have to tell me.”  She doesn’t let Jonghyun try to finish.  “You’ve always been one of our most diligent employees.  If there’s something going on, take the week off. Don’t worry about it.”

 

“Thank you.” Jonghyun says quietly before hanging up.  Before putting his phone back on the nightstand he notices the notification for missed calls in the corner of the screen.  Fifty-six missed calls.  _It’s probably just wrong numbers…_   He thinks to himself and sets his phone down before drifting back off into sleep.

 

~

 

From a young age he had realized one undeniable fact: the world does not need Kim Jonghyun.  If he were to disappear without a trace, there would be no impact.  His family would have one less child to worry about taking care of and spending money on.  He wasn’t charming and beautiful like his sisters; he knew his parents loved him, but ultimately he caused them so much trouble they’d probably be better off if he had never existed.  If he disappeared, the world would have one less person to make trash, burn greenhouse gases and destroy the environment.  At best, Jonghyun’s existence was unimportant, at worst it was contributing to every problem in his vicinity. 

 

The one thing that always made Jonghyun happy to be alive was dancing.  He loved seeing how his body could move and feeling exhausted and content afterwards.  When he danced it was easy to forget the burden he posed to the world and everyone around him.  When he danced he was in a world of his own.

 

The day Jonghyun gave up dancing for good and accepted his college admission is clear in his memory.  After he sent the email confirming his attendance he stared at his bedroom ceiling for hours, wondering how he would go on.  He hated business.  He couldn’t imagine spending four years immersed in it.  But now that he had been admitted to a business college he had to go, right?  The roof of the apartment building his family lived in was open to anyone.  Eventually, Jonghyun had climbed up the stairs and opened the door onto the roof.  He had stood there for a long time, looking down from the top of the eight-story building, the wind rustling his hair.  There was no one on the street below.   No one to see him. No one to try and stop him.  It would’ve been quick and easy to jump off.  But Jonghyun didn’t have the guts to do it, he was too cowardly to help everyone around him and snuff out his bothersome existence.  After standing on the edge for several hours, or perhaps only a few minutes, he had gone back inside his family’s apartment.  A few months later he had started college and and never set foot in a dance studio again.

 

~

 

It’s late afternoon when Jonghyun finally goes outside.  He doesn’t know what day it is.  His kitchen cupboards are empty though, and his stomach is rumbling too much for him to sleep.  He walks down the street in a daze, barely seeing the people he passes by.  Is this even the way to the grocery store?  Sooner or later he’ll probably come across one anyway.

 

He finds himself by the crossing of a busy street, cars zooming by.  He can see the sign for a grocery on the other side of the street.  His stomach rumbles.  Why should he wait for the light?  He’ll eat faster if he just jaywalks.  And if he doesn’t look there’s the chance that a cars will take him down without him really having to try.  It’s easier than jumping off a roof, he can just try to cross the street and get his groceries; it doesn’t take any bravery.

 

Jonghyun steps into the street.  He’s a few feet across when he hears tires screech.  Faintly, he thinks he hears someone call his name.  Then everything goes black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NO CHARACTER DEATH I PROMISE
> 
> I'm not really satisfied with how the first part of this chapter turned out but I didn't think I could get it perfect so I just left it like this.
> 
> It might be a while before I update again, because I'm about to get busy with school again. The next chapter will be in Minhyun's perspective.


	4. Interlude 2: Minhyun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minhyun meets an old friend of Jonghyun's, Jonghyun abruptly disappears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: SUICIDE ATTEMPT, MILD GORE
> 
> Please forgive my lack of knowledge of the medical field

After they return from the business trip, Minhyun sets his phone background to the picture he took of Jonghyun gazing into his cup of tea.  Maybe it’s too excessive of him considering it’s only a crush, he and Jonghyun aren’t officially dating.  At least not yet.

 

His day with Jonghyun in Jiufen was something out of a dream; he wishes it could have gone on forever.  Jonghyun seemed so relaxed and happy and he kept smiling at Minhyun so sweetly.  Minhyun wants to travel with Jonghyun again, with only the two of them and no business meetings cluttering their time.  He wants to take Jonghyun out to eat delicious food; to see beautiful places, Jonghyun’s hand in his; he wants to come back to a hotel room tired from a day of sightseeing with Jonghyun and hold him close at night…  Maybe Minhyun’s fantasies is getting too far ahead of reality.

 

The day they come back Minhyun meets Seongwoo for dinner.  It’s been a long time since he’s had an opportunity to talk to is best friend without others in their midst; these days Seongwoo always brings Daniel and Minhyun always brings Jonghyun so they don’t have the intimate conversations that they used to have when they were roommates.  Minhyun kind of misses it. 

 

He can’t resist giving Seongwoo a play by play of his every interaction with Jonghyun during their trip, telling him how happy Jonghyun looked and showing him all the pictures they took together.  Seongwoo listens patiently, and waiting until Minhyun is finished talking to speak.

 

“Why don’t you just confess already?”  Seongwoo asks. Minhyun freezes, chopsticks midway to his open mouth.  “You adore him and it seems like he likes you too, what’s stopping you?”

 

Minhyun is silent for a moment while Seongwoo’s question sinks in.  Jonghyun does seem to like him, doesn’t he?  He lets Minhyun hold his hand and snuggles close to Minhyun when they watch TV together.  Surely those behaviors can’t be strictly platonic.  And yet Minhyun hesitates.  He’s never confessed to someone before and has only minimal relationship experience.  The thought of telling Jonghyun that he likes him in a romantic sense is a little scary.  He doesn’t know how to be a good boyfriend, or if he’s the type of person that would be best for Jonghyun, but at the same time, he still desperately wants to be with Jonghyun.

 

“I…”  Minhyun opens his mouth to respond.  “I don’t know.  I’ll think about it.”

 

“I know it isn’t easy.” Seongwoo says, patting his back comfortingly.  “Remember how scared I was when I told you I was planning to ask Daniel out?”  Minhyun nods.  “It was really scary telling him my feelings after knowing him for so long and thought I might regret it.  But in the end, it was so worth it.  I promise you, Minhyun, it’ll be worth it for you too.”

 

~

 

After much internal debate, Minhyun decides that he’s going to confess to Jonghyun that weekend.  He doesn’t want to do it at Woojin’s birthday celebration though, since with so many of their friends around it might be hard to get Jonghyun alone, in addition, he doesn’t want to risk anyone interrupting or overhearing his confession before Jonghyun can give him an answer.  He decides to ask Jonghyun to meet him at the café near his apartment on Sunday and confess to him in that quieter, more private atmosphere.

 

Minhyun’s heart beats fast as the words “are you free tomorrow?”  leave his lips as he talks to Jonghyun at Woojin’s celebration.  Jonghyun had seemed a little off moments earlier, but he seems alright in the moment that he nods in agreement confirming that he’ll meet Minhyun tomorrow.  Minhyun assumes that Jonghyun is just not used to some of Woojin’s friends who they just met and is just a little nervous around new people. 

 

Minhyun looks up to see an attractive, slender, brown-haired man approaching Jonghyun and calling his name in obvious recognition.  Minhyun feels a surge of jealousy, who is this man and how does he know Jonghyun?  _What_ is he to Jonghyun?

 

“So this is what you blew me off for!”  The man says to Jonghyun and Minhyun feels a small surge of relief.  If Jonghyun is blowing him off, Jonghyun probably isn’t interested in him.  Minhyun has never met an acquaintance of Jonghyun’s outside of work before.  Seongwoo is evidently also curious as to who this acquaintance of Jonghyun’s is.  He does Minhyun the favor of asking about it so Minhyun doesn’t have to pry. 

 

 “Choi Minki,” The man introduces himself, shaking Seongwoo’s hand.  “I’m Jonghyun’s high school classmate.”

 

Minhyun attention and curiosity grows even more.  Jonghyun always dodged questions about his past and personal life outside of work.  Minhyun assumes that Jonghyun is just a really private person and hopes that someday Jonghyun will trust him enough to let him in to these parts of his life.  He doesn’t want to pry into it before Jonghyun is ready to share it with him, but having someone who probably knows a different side of Jonghyun can’t help but make Minhyun excited for the opportunity to learn more about Jonghyun.

 

Minki seems like a very nice person and Minhyun laughs along with everyone else as he describes Jonghyun crossdressing for their high school maid café.  He can’t wait to see the pictures if Minki can find them.  Then Minki recognizes the dance crew and the conversation turns to dance.    Minhyun is surprised to learn that Jonghyun dances, or at least he used.  The dance crew of course demand to know why they didn’t have this information sooner, clearly eager to potentially recruit their friend as a new member.  Minhyun sees Jonghyun freeze under their gaze and mumble something about needing to go to the bathroom before retreating.  _Maybe he just got sick from drinking too much_ , Minhyun thinks.  Or maybe everyone staring at him made him feel uncomfortable and he just needs a moment of quiet away from the group.  Not wanting to draw the group’s attention back on to Jonghyun, Minhyun doesn’t follow him.

 

With Jonghyun gone, the dance crew start pestering Minki about what dance styles Jonghyun did in high school and how good he was.  Minki can’t really give them the details they crave, especially considering that it’s been six years and Minki isn’t a dancer himself.  Driven by his own curiosity, Minhyun joins the conversation.

 

“What was Jonghyun like in high school?” He asks.  “Were you two close?”

 

“Jonghyun was…”  Minki pauses, probably thinking about how best to describe high school-Jonghyun, his expression a little bit strange.  “I suppose I was as close to him as anyone was back then.  He was one of the top students in our year, at first he was super quiet, barely talked to anyone, so I just assumed he was a loner.”  Minhyun nods, Jonghyun is still kind of like that, Minhyun almost never sees him approach anyone on his own.  “Then midway through my freshman year I decided to go check out the dance club to meet new people,” Minki continues.  “Jonghyun was there of course, and he was so different in there than in the classroom.  He was actually really friendly, kind to everyone, always encouraging people in the club who struggled with the choreography and taking time to teach them even though it wasn’t his responsibility at the time.”  Minki smiles and with the image of the young Jonghyun in his mind Minhyun can’t help but smile too.  “I didn’t keep going to dance club, but I made sure to talk to Jonghyun more after that and tried to befriend him.”

 

“Tried?”  Minhyun asks.

 

“He wasn’t exactly the most available person.”  Minki explains.  “He was nice to everyone, sure, but never really let anyone in.”

 

“You speak as though you wanted to be more than friends.”  Minhyun observes, hoping that he doesn’t sound jealous and evidently failing based on the knowing look Seongwoo gives him. 

 

“He was cute, nice, and a great dancer, half of the school was probably in love with him!”  Minki laughs.  “I wasn’t an exception.”

 

“You don’t still…”  Minhyun starts to say, throwing away subtly.

 

“Of course not!” Minki says quickly.  “I’m dating my hunky coworker, he’s the only one in my heart now.  Look, he’s even my lock screen!”  Minki turns the screen of his phone to Minhyun to reveal a picture of a broad shouldered man smiling and eating yogurt.  Minhyun feels himself relax.

 

“Good, you don’t need to worry about competition, Minhyun!”  Seongwoo says, slapping Minhyun on the back.  Minhyun wishes his friends had more tact.  Minki raises his eyebrows.

 

“You’re interested in Jonghyun?”  He asks Minhyun.

 

“Er… yes.”  Minhyun admits, seeing no point in denying it.  “What of it?”

 

“I wish you luck!”  Minki says encouragingly.  “It’s just, well, I don’t know how he’s changed over the years but back in high school a girl confessed to him once and he just thanked her and told her he was unworthy of her affection.  No one else dared to try confessing to him after that… Just, um, be prepared for that possibility?”

 

Minhyun laughs awkwardly, not sure how he should respond.

 

“Where is Jonghyun, anyway?” Seongwoo wonders.  “Shouldn’t he be back from the bathroom by now?”

 

Minhyun feels worry start to bloom in his chest. 

 

“He should.” He agrees.  “I’ll go look for him.”

 

Jonghyun isn’t in the bathroom or anywhere else in the bar that Minhyun looks.  The only veritable conclusion that Minhyun can think of is that he slipped away and went home, just like the first time he took Jonghyun there.  Minhyun tries calling him.  He tries once, twice, thrice, but Jonghyun doesn’t answer any of the calls.

 

~

 

“Did you find him?”  Seongwoo asks Minhyun when he comes back.  Minhyun sinks down heavily and buries his head in his arms.

 

“No,” He answers Seongwoo dejectedly, feeling like he’s admitting one of his life’s greatest failures.

 

“What’s up?”  Minki asks, coming back from where he had been cheering on Woojin and Jihoon on the dance floor.

 

“Jonghyun’s missing.”  Seongwoo summarizes the situation.

 

“I looked everywhere but I can’t find him.”  Minhyun reiterates. “I even called him several times on his phone but he’s not picking up.”

 

“It might be my fault.”  Minki says suddenly and Minhyun takes his head out of his arms and looks up at him in surprise.  “I’ve been trying to find some time to catch up with him for like two months, but he’s always busy.  I think he might’ve just not wanted to see me.”  Minki smiles apologetically.

 

“Jonghyun wouldn’t do that!”  Minhyun objects, despite recently becoming aware of how little he actually knows Jonghyun from his earlier conversation with Minki.

 

“I’m not angry about it or anything!”  Minki says quickly.  “It’s just… You probably have people you knew in high school that you wouldn’t want to see again too, right?”

 

Minhyun does.  Yoo Seonho, the freshman who asked Minhyun to be his boyfriend every day for the entirety of his senior year of high school comes into Minhyun’s mind.  But based on what Minki told them earlier, it doesn’t really seem like Minki did anything back then to merit avoidance.  Minhyun still can’t imagine how Jonghyun’s disappearance could be in any way Minki’s fault.

 

“Look, I’ll try to call him too, okay?”  Minki offers when Minhyun doesn’t say anything and continues to look distressed.  Minhyun nods in thanks and Minki hits Jonghyun’s contact on his phone and lets it ring.  Jonghyun doesn’t pick up.  Minki tries again, Minhyun tries again, and they even give Seongwoo Jonghyun’s number so that he can try but Jonghyun doesn’t pick up any of the calls.  Finally, they have no choice but to give up.

 

“Maybe he just went home because he got sick or something and fell asleep straight away and didn’t hear any of our calls?”  Seongwoo asserts hopefully.  Minhyun wishes he could be as optimistic.

 

“I have to go now, let me give you my number, give me a call if you think there’s anything I can do to help.”  Minki says and Minhyun hands over his phone.  “Tell Jonghyun I’m sorry if I made him uncomfortable next time you see him.”

 

~

 

Minhyun tries calling Jonghyun again in the morning.  He doesn’t pick up.  Jonghyun might just still be asleep though.  Hoping that Jonghyun will at least remember their plan to meet at the café by Minhyun’s apartment, Minhyun heads over there early to give himself time to think.

 

Hopefully Jonghyun will show up and have a perfectly understandable explanation for last night and everything will be fine.  Minhyun was going to plan out the perfect words to confess his feelings to Jonghyun in his head before he actually said them, but in his current state of worry his thoughts jumble together and he can’t think properly.  Maybe the confession will have to wait.

 

Ten o’clock comes and goes with no sign of Jonghyun.  Minhyun waits until quarter after ten before trying to call him again.  Still no answer.  Restless, he stirs his now cold coffee vigorously, wondering if he should just give up and leave.  On the off chance that Jonghyun does come, he keeps waiting.  Finally, late in the afternoon, Minhyun leaves a voicemail on Jonghyun’s phone telling him he can’t wait any longer and asking Jonghyun what’s going on.  With a heavy heart, he goes back to his apartment.  At least he’ll see Jonghyun at work the next day.

 

~

 

Jonghyun isn’t at work the next day.  Or the one after that.  Minhyun tries calling him to ask him if he’s okay, but he doesn’t pick up.  He calls Seongwoo and Minki and asks him to try too, but Jonghyun doesn’t pick up their calls either.  When he asks Boa why Jonghyun isn’t at work she tells him that Jonghyun has taken the week off, but won’t say more beyond that due to the company’s employee privacy policy.  Minhyun doesn’t know what to do.  Kim Jonghyun sees to have disappeared out off the face of the earth.  Minhyun wishes he knew where Jonghyun lived so that he could go physically check on him.

 

Minhyun is running errands Thursday afternoon after work when he finally sees Jonghyun again.  He spots him a few blocks away, waiting at a crossing.  Minhyun starts walking faster, not wanting to lose the chance of finally finding out what’s going on with Jonghyun for anything.  As he gets closer he notices Jonghyun staring in to the street with a strange expression, eyes following the cars as they go by.  Minhyun is only a few feet away from Jonghyun when Jonghyun moves forward into the street.  The crosswalk light is still red.  Minhyun barely has time to cry out before the car collides with Jonghyun.

 

As soon as the traffic stops due to the incident, Minhyun runs into the street hoping, praying that the collision wasn’t severe.  He finds Jonghyun lying lifelessly on the street.  Minhyun kneels down and gently picks Jonghyun up into his arms.  Minhyun quickly finds Jonghyun’s wrist to check his pulse, and it’s still there.  Jonghyun’s chest is still rising and falling as he breathes.  Jonghyun isn’t bleeding too much, but if he has internal bleeding or organ damage from the collision it wouldn’t show on the outside, would it?  Jonghyun’s face blurs before Minhyun’s eyes and Minhyun realizes that he’s crying.  He doesn’t bother to wipe the tears away.  One thought persists in the back of his mind as he holds Jonghyun, sobbing:  Jonghyun saw the cars before he walked into the street, so why didn’t he wait for the light?  The only conclusion Minhyun can come to is that Jonghyun put himself in the way of the oncoming vehicle on purpose.

 

~

 

When the ambulance shows up to take Jonghyun to the hospital, Minhyun is still cradling Jonghyun in his arms and crying.  Minhyun can’t give them Jonghyun’s emergency contact information when they reach the hospital and check Jonghyun in.  He doesn’t know where Jonghyun’s family lives and how to contact them.  He feels useless as he sits waiting to find out what the damage to Jonghyun’s body is after answering what questions he could about Jonghyun.  Finally, a nurse enters the waiting room to give Minhyun information.

 

“As far as we can tell so far, your friend only has a concussion.”  The nurse, whose name tag reads _Jung Sewoon_ , tells Minhyun.  Minhyun feels himself sag in relief.  “Usually we don’t see concussion patients lose consciousness for this long though, so we’ll be closely monitoring the situation.”

 

“Has he regained consciousness?” Minhyun asks.  The nurse shakes his head.  “Can I see him anyway?”

 

The nurse agrees and motions for Minhyun to follow him down the hall.  A few yards down they turn into a small room with a single bed.  Minhyun stares down at Jonghyun’s form, lying as if sleeping in the bed.  Minhyun thought he spent all his tears already when he cried earlier, but seeing Jonghyun lying motionless in the hospital bed like that makes moisture accumulate in the corners of his eyes once more.  He hesitates for a moment and then reaches out to touch Jonghyun’s face.  He cups Jonghyun’s cheek, feeling the warmth of Jonghyun’s face to reassure himself that Jonghyun is only unconscious, not dead, and will be alright.  Or at least, Minhyun hopes that he will.

 

~

 

Minhyun doesn’t sleep well that night and goes to work the next day like a zombie.  As soon as he gets off work he goes back to the hospital to check on Jonghyun.  Nothing has changed.  Nurse Sewoon assures him that Jonghyun will be fine, he just isn’t gaining consciousness as quickly as the average concussion patient.  Minhyun still feels worried. 

 

Seongwoo calls Minhyun that night asking if he wants to get dinner together and Minhyun turns him down.  When Seongwoo asks why he explains the situation, leaving out the fact that he knows that it wasn’t really an accident that Jonghyun got in the way of the vehicle.  Seongwoo is understanding and worried about Jonghyun and asks Minhyun to update him on Jonghyun’s condition if there’s a change.  Minhyun also texts Minki that Jonghyun got in an accident, figuring he’d also want to know.  He gets a similar concerned response back.

 

Minhyun visits the hospital every day for as long as he can.  Once, Jonghyun briefly gains consciousness, but is too disorientated to respond to questions and quickly falls back unconscious.  Minhyun feels even more worried and afraid.  He doesn’t know what he’ll say to Jonghyun once he wakes up.  He wishes he knew what pushed Jonghyun to the point of purposely trying to throw away his life by walking into oncoming traffic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was harder to write than I thought it would be. I'm not entirely satisfied with the result, especially the latter bit of the chapter, but I wanted to move this story forward and work more on the conclusion so I just decided to leave it like this, I'm sorry for being lazy like this orz
> 
> I ended up writing more than I thought I would this week, but I was in the mood to write Jonghyun rather than Minhyun so I ended up deciding to add a lot to the next chapter. 
> 
> I probably should have researched more about injuries and hospitals when writing this, but as I have a big phobia of the latter I skimped on research since that subject is uncomfortable for me.
> 
> Thanks everyone for following this story up until now


	5. Part 3: Jonghyun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Minhyun's help, Jonghyun starts to heal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: ANXIETY, SELF-HARM, SUICIDE MENTION
> 
> The final chapter~ it was originally going to be less than 2k but then I got carried away adding on to it and now it's the longest one yet....

Jonghyun is lying in a bed.  He hears voices nearby, so it can’t be his bedroom in his quiet apartment that no one but himself has the key to.  He opens his eyes to an unfamiliar white ceiling and turns his head to see a white robed figure and a metal shelf-like contraption beside his bed.  Everything looks fuzzy and his head is spinning.  What day is it? How did he get here?  He doesn’t know.  The figure in white turns towards him and their eyes get big and their mouth opens wide.  This person isn’t someone Jonghyun knows.

 

“You’re awake!”  They exclaim.  “Can you hear me?”

 

It takes Jonghyun a moment to realize he’s supposed to respond.  He opens his mouth and when his voice comes out it feels strange.

 

“Yes.”

 

“Great! You’re well enough to respond to questions!”  The white-garbed person says excitedly, writing something down on a clipboard.  “I’m going to-”  Jonghyun can’t hear the rest of the sentence because of the ringing in his ears is too deafening.

 

 His eyes dart around the room and he feels more confused.  And tired. Very, very tired.  Just as he feels the sleepiness engulf him, he sees a tall, familiar figure come through the door of the room.  _Minhyun_. 

 

But why is Minhyun here in this strange room where Jonghyun is lying in a bed that isn’t his?  Minhyun doesn’t want to see him anymore. He can’t remember why that is. 

 

His head is pounding and the room is spinning.  Right before he fades from consciousness he sees Minhyun’s eyes widen and his lips open to say something, but Jonghyun can’t stay awake long enough to catch his words.

 

~

 

The next time Jonghyun wakes up he’s alert enough to figure out that he’s in a hospital.  He can also register that there’s an IV in his arm.  He remembers the person in white and realizes that they must have been a nurse.  He vaguely remembers waking up earlier and Minhyun being there.  And then he remembers walking into the busy street and the memories of the last few days come crashing back over him. 

 

He isn’t dead.  Nor does he appear to have any serious injuries.  There are bandages in a few places, but they only seem to be cuts and small wounds.  None of these injuries explain how he lost consciousness or why he’s in the hospital.  While he’s in the midst of pondering his situation, a man in a nurse’s coat with a soft smile enters the room.

 

“Oh!”  He says in surprise when he sees that Jonghyun is sitting up.  Jonghyun recognizes him as the nurse from earlier.  The name tag on the nurse’s coat reads _Jung Sewoon._ “You’re awake.  That’s wonderful!”

 

“Umm…”  Jonghyun begins hesitantly, not sure how to continue.  “What happened to me?”

 

“A car hit you and you got a concussion.” Sewoon answers.  “You should be more careful crossing the street, it could have been a lot worse.”

 

 _They don’t know_ , Jonghyun realizes.  He’s relieved.  He doesn’t want to talk about the fact that he tried to kill himself with a stranger, no matter how friendly the nurse seems.   “How long has it been?”  He asks, hoping this will take the subject of conversation down a safer path.

 

“Three days.”  Sewoon answers.  “It’s Sunday afternoon.”

 

Jonghyun feels himself start to panic.  Boa only gave him a week off, he has to be at work tomorrow.  He can’t afford to take even more sick time.  If he wants to keep his job he has to return to work on Monday.  But he still doesn’t know how he’s going to face Minhyun if he goes back…

 

“You should probably stay here at least one more night.”  Sewoon’s voice interrupts Jonghyun’s thoughts.  Jonghyun opens his mouth to object but Sewoon continues before he can form words.  “Your friend already notified your place of employment that you’d had an accident, if that’s what you’re worried about.”  Jonghyun had momentarily forgotten that Minhyun had come by to see him earlier.  “He seems really worried about you, he’s been coming by every day.  He only left here about an hour ago.”

 

Minhyun is worried about him.  Minhyun has been coming every day to see Jonghyun in his comatose state.  Jonghyun doesn’t even know how Minhyun found out he was in the hospital.  He feels a small flare of hope knowing that Minhyun at least likes him enough to care that he was injured, but Minhyun is nice, so he’d probably do the same for anyone.  Jonghyun feels a wave of guilt at the thought that he troubled Minhyun.

 

“He wanted me to contact him as soon as you were conscious again.”  Sewoon continues, pausing and looking to Jonghyun for agreement that he should contact Minhyun.

 

“Alright,” Jonghyun says after a long moment.  “Just, uh, can you tell him to wait until tomorrow to come?  I think I want to sleep more.”

 

Sewoon nods and leaves the room, presumably to call Minhyun.  Jonghyun sinks back down into the pillows, unsure if he made the right decision.  He’s still terrified by the idea of seeing Minhyun after everything that’s happened; even though Minhyun came to see him before that doesn’t mean that Minhyun isn’t mad at him.  But simultaneously a part of him really wants to see Minhyun.  Maybe it’s time to face his fears and be honest with his friend.

 

~

 

When Minhyun enters Jonghyun’s hospital room the next day he looks different than Jonghyun has ever seen him.  His hair is sticking up in places, there are bags under his eyes, and his clothes look disheveled.  

 

“Jonghyun.” He says in a weak voice.  “You’re okay.”

 

He doesn’t say anything more and plops himself down in the chair next to Jonghyun’s bed and buries his face in his hands.  Jonghyun doesn’t know how to interpret Minhyun’s actions.  Is he for mad he doesn’t want to even look at Jonghyun?  Jonghyun sits silently, staring at Minhyun, unsure of what he should do, then finally, Minhyun speaks.

 

“Why did you leave Woojin’s celebration without saying anything?”  Minhyun’s voice sounds rough and raspy, like he has a cold.  “We all looked for you, called you… but you didn’t respond and none of us knew what to do.”  Minhyun still isn’t looking at Jonghyun.  “We were really worried, Jonghyun.”  Minhyun takes a breath and Jonghyun thinks about reaching over to touch him but thinks better of it.  Minhyun must be about to tell him that they- Minhyun, Seongwoo, Minki, Woojin, everyone- don’t want him anymore, not after he put them through so much trouble. Any touches from Jonghyun would probably be unwelcome now.

 

“A-and then,” Minhyun continues, breathing uneven.  “When I saw you that day on the street you- ”  Jonghyun hadn’t realized that Minhyun had been there that day, but the memory of some calling his name comes back and he realizes it must have been Minhyun.  “You didn’t- You saw the cars, I know you did, Jonghyun.  But you- you- you went into the road anyway!”  Minhyun’s hands shift from his face and Jonghyun realizes that Minhyun is crying.  “I-I was so…. So scared! Jonghyun… what’s wrong?”  Minhyun’s hands are shaking as he lowers them away from his face.  “What happened?  I just… I want…. I care about you.”  Minhyun finishes, his voice breaking. 

 

Jonghyun feels hot tears well in his eyes and flow down his cheeks.  Minhyun knows.  He knows that Jonghyun walking into the busy street wasn’t an accident.  He knows Jonghyun did it on purpose.  Jonghyun has no idea how to explain it to him.  He can’t deny that it isn’t a normal thing to do; he can’t deny that the fact that he did that must mean some part of him is broken.  Jonghyun hugs his knees to his chest and starts to sob, his whole body shaking with each cry. He feels Minhyun’s warm arms encircle him and then they’re crying together, holding each other.

 

Eventually, when the tears slow down a little, Jonghyun starts talking.  He starts from the beginning, or at least, the closest he can’t get to the beginning since he doesn’t really know when it all began.  He can’t pinpoint the exact moment he started believing he would be better off dead.   He tries to make Minhyun understand; He tries to explain what made him leave the bar without saying anything, what made him into the street, what makes him feel so worthless.  The more he talks the less it sees to make sense and he feels so stupid and he hates himself even more for that. Fresh waves of tears hit him because of how stupid and irrational it all is.  Jonghyun has no real explanation for why he’s like this.  He can’t remember when or why it started, it might just have always been a part of him. 

 

Minhyun keeps holding him and listening for as long as the words pour out of Jonghyun.  Jonghyun knows he doesn’t deserve Minhyun’s patience.  When he’s finally done, Minhyun draws back a little and puts his hands on Jonghyun’s shoulders and looks him in the eye.

 

“Jonghyun,” Minhyun says softly, and Jonghyun blinks back tears.  “I care about you.”  He presses his forehead to Jonghyun’s.  “And I want you to know that I won’t ever not like you because you can’t tell me something because you’re scared or uncomfortable.”  Jonghyun can feel his breath on his face.  “I won’t even not like you because you feel anxious or panicky for reasons I can’t quite grasp.”  Minhyun rests his forehead against Jonghyun’s. “I never want you to feel like you’re worthless ever again, Jonghyun.  I want you to be happy.  I want it to get better for you; I don’t know how much I can even help you, but…”  Minhyun takes a breath.  “Can I try?”

 

Jonghyun nods, still sniffling.  “I’m sorry for causing you so much trouble.” He murmurs.

 

“It’s not trouble when it’s you,” Minhyun replies, running his thumb across Jonghyun’s cheek to brush away the tears.  “Let’s get you home.”

 

~

 

Jonghyun checks out of the hospital the next day.  At first the hospital staff is hesitant to let him leave when Jonghyun tells them that he lives alone, and thus has no one of watch over him in case he’s not actually fully recovered from the head trauma that caused his concussion, but when Minhyun says he’ll stay with Jonghyun for the next few days and look after him the hospital staff agree to let him go.  At first, Jonghyun isn’t keen on taking Minhyun up on his offer to stay at Jonghyun’s place for the next few days, but when Minhyun insists that he’d worry about Jonghyun if he didn’t stay with and see that he recovers and that it won’t be at all inconvenient Jonghyun caves.

 

Jonghyun has never let Minhyun come to his apartment before.  He’s embarrassed to let Minhyun see his mess living room, all the dirty dishes stacked in his sink, and the pile of dirty laundry in his bedroom.  Compared to Minhyun’s immaculately clean apartment, Jonghyun’s place is a garbage dump.  Minhyun, however, doesn’t comment on it, but when Jonghyun retires to his bedroom after telling Minhyun he wants to rest alone for a while he hears the sound of Minhyun doing the dishes from the kitchen.  After a few hours, there’s a soft knock on Jonghyun’s door.

 

“Jonghyun? It’s about dinner time, are you hungry?”  Minhyun’s voice comes from the other side of the door.  Jonghyun gets up and opens the door.  Minhyun smiles at him when he comes into view and from behind him Jonghyun sees that Minhyun seems to have tidied up his living room.

 

“I’m sorry it’s a mess here, I didn’t mean for you to have to clean…” Jonghyun apologizes.

 

“I don’t care, I like cleaning,” Minhyun assures him, taking his hand.  Minhyun starts to open his mouth to say more but is cut off by Jonghyun’s stomach growling.  “I guess that means you are hungry,” Minhyun laughs.  “You don’t seem to have much food here, let’s order delivery, okay?”  Jonghyun nods.  “Do you have any idea of what you want to eat?”  Jonghyun shrugs and makea non-committal sound.  “That’s okay, I’ll order something, I think I know your taste.”  Jonghyun smiles and nods in agreement.

 

When the food arrives, they sit on Jonghyun’s sofa and eat side by side.  Minhyun seems to understand that Jonghyun doesn’t really want to talk, so he does all the talking to fill the silence.  He tells Jonghyun anecdotes from the last week, stories from his childhood, plots of movies he likes, and other random topics that take Jonghyun’s mind off of everything that’s happened.  Jonghyun is grateful for it.  While he needs some time and space to sort through his thoughts on his own, he’s afraid that if he has too much solitude his doubts and insecurities will creep into the silence and drag him down again.

 

“I’m actually a pretty decent cook now though,” Minhyun says after telling a story of how he burnt a cake he was making for his sister’s birthday when he was a kid.  “Let’s go shopping tomorrow, then I can cook for you and you can see for yourself!” 

 

Jonghyun feels his expression falter in response to Minhyun’s words, remembering the last time he tried to go shopping, right before he got hit.  Minhyun seems to see that he’s troubled.

 

“Is… that okay?”  Minhyun asks.  “If you don’t want to go you can give me a list and I can get everything myself.”

 

Jonghyun shakes his head.  “No, it’s fine.  I’ll go with you.”  Jonghyun tells him.  Even though it seems scary, it’s something he’ll have to do eventually, and besides, he doesn’t want to be alone in his apartment with all of his worries and without the comfort of Minhyun’s presence.

 

“Alright then.”  Minhyun putting down his now-empty delivery container.  “It’s getting late, um, is it okay if I sleep on this couch?”

 

Why didn’t Jonghyun realize that Minhyun would need somewhere to physically sleep?  He feels stupid and apologizes quickly, telling Minhyun that of course he can sleep on the couch and quickly goes to fetch his extra blankets and pillow for Minhyun.  Once Minhyun is settled on his living room couch, Jonghyun retires to his bed for the night.

 

~

 

Jonghyun is only asleep for a few hours before he wakes up from a nightmare.  In his dream, Minhyun told him that he was tired of putting up with Jonghyun and Jonghyun’s problems and left the apartment and Jonghyun’s life.  Dream-Minhyun said that Jonghyun if he had known Jonghyun was this much trouble he would never have befriended him.  He accused Jonghyun of being over dramatic, telling him he had no real reason to feel sad and that he should grow up and learn to deal with life.  For several awful moments, Jonghyun can’t separate the nightmare from reality.  Even under all his blackets, he finds himself shaking, feeling oddly chilly.  After taking a few minutes to try to calm his breathing, he gets out of bed to go to the bath room and wash his face.  He crossing his living room as quietly as he can and closes the bathroom door behind him before turning on the light and splashing cool water on his face, breathing still a little erratic, trying desperately to calm himself down.  After wetting his face several times the nightmare still lingers in his memory, feeling far too real.  He give up and exits the bathroom intending to go back to his bed.

 

“Jonghyun?”  He hears Minhyun’s groggy voice as he crosses the living room to his bedroom.  Through the darkness, he can see that Minhyun is sitting up, evidently having been woken up by the sound of the sink when he washed his face earlier.  “Why’re you up?”

 

“Bad dream.”  Jonghyun tries to make it sound inconsequential.  “Sorry I made noise and woke you up.”

 

“’ss fine” Minhyun yawns.  “Are you okay?  Do you want to talk about it?”

 

Jonghyun has never been good at lying.  Even though it’s dark and Minhyun can’t see his face properly he still can’t control his emotions well enough to make Minhyun think he’s okay.  When he opens his mouth to say he’s fine only a choked sound comes out and Jonghyun can feel tears forming in his eyes.  Minhyun is beside Jonghyun in an instant, rubbing his back and gazing at him with concern.

 

“What can I do to help, Jonghyun?”  Minhyun asks when Jonghyun’s tears don’t stop, so much worry in his voice that Jonghyun feels guilty and cries harder.  “Want do you need?”

 

“I just…” Jonghyun finally chokes out after a few long moments.  “I don’t want to be alone.”

 

Minhyun pulls him close and Jonghyun tucks his head into Minhyun’s shoulder to hide his tears.

 

“Okay,” Minhyun says into Jonghyun’s hair.  “I’m not going to leave you.”  He gives Jonghyun’s shoulder a little squeeze.  “Let’s get you back to bed, you need sleep.”

 

Minhyun follow Jonghyun back to his bedroom and waits for Jonghyun’s approval before joining him under the covers.  Once they’re both tucked snuggly under the covers, Minhyun wraps one arm around Jonghyun’s waist, rubbing soothing circles into Jonghyun’s side with his thumb, while using his other hand to stroke Jonghyun’s hair.  With Minhyun by his side, holding Jonghyun in his arms, the nightmare finally feels less real.  Taking deep breathes and inhaling Minhyun’s scent with each one, Jonghyun’s heartbeat slows to a normal pace and he drifts into sleep, face buried in Minhyun’s chest.

 

~

 

“Shouldn’t you be at work?”  Jonghyun asks Minhyun the next day as they walk through the produce isle of the grocery store the next day.  Between being unconscious for several days in the hospital and not in this right mind for the days leading up to that, Jonghyun hadn’t realized that it was a week day until he looked at his phone calendar that morning.

 

“I took the week off.”  Minhyun tells him as if it’s nothing.

 

“You shouldn’t have.”  Jonghyun says, pausing to examine a carrot as an excuse not to look at Minhyun.  “You shouldn’t go so far out of your way just for me.  What if you need to take a day off later and you can’t because you spent all your sick days on me?”

 

Minhyun just shrugs.  “Then I’ll figure something out. I’m sure it won’t be an issue.”

 

“What if it is, though?”  Jonghyun presses further, unconsciously digging his nails into the carrot.

 

“Look at me, Jonghyun.”  Minhyun asks calmly.  Jonghyun looks up into Minhyun’s face and Minhyun takes the carrot out of Jonghyun’s grip and replaces it with his hand.  “I’m taking the days off because I _want_ to.  If I went to work I’d be thinking about you too much to do my job properly anyway.  So don’t worry about it.”

 

Jonghyun looks down at his shoes, still feeling bad for causing so much trouble.  “I’m sorry for making you worry about me.”  He says softly, feeling moisture gathering in his eyes and cursing himself for it.  Minhyun squeezes his hand before letting go to touch Jonghyun’s chin and tilt it up so Jonghyun’s looking at him.

 

“You don’t have to apologize.”  Minhyun tells him patiently.  “I’m worrying about you because I care about you, okay? So just let me worry.”  Minhyun flashes Jonghyun a reassuring smile and takes his hand again.  “Come on now, we have more food to get.”

 

~

 

Living with someone one else in his space isn’t something Jonghyun is used to.  The constant presence of Minhyun in his apartment is a completely new feeling.  Minhyun is almost always in sight, sitting quietly beside Jonghyun as they read or watch movies together.  Even when Jonghyun can’t see him, he can hear Minhyun moving through the apartment, making food in the kitchen or in the bathroom taking a shower.  Even at night, Minhyun is by his side shielding him from his nightmares.  Minhyun seems to know when Jonghyun needs space to be alone and when he needs someone beside him. 

 

One day, Jonghyun feels hopeless again and he doesn’t want to leave his bed.  Minhyun is patient with him, sitting on the edge of the bed talking quietly to Jonghyun and patting him gently through blankets.  It takes quite a while before Jonghyun is ready to talk.  When he does, Minhyun listens attentively and then holds Jonghyun when he needs to cry.

 

Days go by, and little by little Jonghyun starts to heal.  His nightmares become less frequent and he even finds himself feeling energetic enough to laugh and joke with Minhyun at times.  He feels almost ready to go back to his life before the incident.  He also feels as much as he enjoys having Minhyun around, it isn’t fair for him to keep staying with Jonghyun and acting as Jonghyun’s care taker.  On Friday night when they’re sitting together eating Minhyun’s cooking, Jonghyun tells him that he’s okay enough now, and that Minhyun should go home.

 

“Are you sure?”  Minhyun asks him. It’s all Jonghyun can do not to say that he really wants Minhyun to stay.

 

“I’m sure.”  Jonghyun confirms.  “I’m going to go back to work soon, I’m fine.  You have your own life to get back to.”

 

“I could still stay with you even after we both go back to work,” Minhyun asserts, and for a moment Jonghyun feels tempted.  “It wouldn’t be any hassle.”

 

With all the willpower he can muster, Jonghyun shakes his head.  “No, you have your own apartment.”  He says.  “And I need to learn how to rely on myself again.”

 

“If you’re 100 percent sure, I guess that is what’s best.” Minhyun acquiesces. “Just promise me, if you ever don’t feel good or having any problems, you’ll call me okay?”

 

“I will,” Jonghyun promises.

 

“Pinky-swear?” Minhyun insists, extending his pinky towards Jonghyun.

 

“I pinky swear that I’ll call you if anything comes up,” Jonghyun says, giggling as he locks his pinky around Minhyun’s.

 

The next day Minhyun goes back to his place, leaving Jonghyun in an empty apartment.  Jonghyun feels a twinge of anxiety looking around and not seeing or hearing Minhyun anywhere.  He takes a few deep breathes to calm himself.  He can do this.

 

~

 

A week after waking up in the hospital, Jonghyun goes back to work.  Apart from Minhyun, no one else knows all the details of what happened to him beyond the fact that he got hit by a car.  He apologizes to Boa for taking so much time off and she waves him off reminding him how he barely used any of his vacation days the previous year.  Part of him feels strange sitting in the office chair, going about his job again, but part of him feels as though nothing happened and the last two weeks were just a bad dream.  Minhyun is extra attentive to him, bringing him coffee and checking in with him throughout the day, which Jonghyun is deeply grateful for.

 

Jonghyun still feels weak and shaky a lot of the time, but it gets better each day.  There are days when getting out of bed is hard, when the outside world feels terrifying until he actually steps out the door and realizes he can handle it.  Sometimes the temptation to hurt himself to make the pounding of is heart and throbbing of his head stop is difficult to resist, but he’s getting better at it.  When he can get over the guilt of bothering Minhyun with such things he calls him and Minhyun is there to talk him through it, or when he can, Minhyun finds Jonghyun and stays with him until the urge goes away.  Minhyun is always there to support him and gradually he feels comfortable enough to see their other friends again. 

 

~

 

“Seongwoo wants to know if you’d be interested in joining us for a movie tomorrow.”  Minhyun tells Jonghyun as they sit together at Minhyun’s place on a Friday night, eating dinner that Minhyun cooked.

 

“What movie?”  Jonghyun asks between bites.  It would be nice to see Seongwoo, and watching a movie would be a good way to spend time with people without having to talk much and risk getting unwanted questions.

 

“Some action movie that just came out,” Minhyun tells him.  “Seongwoo and Daniel are planning on going to the theater to see it tomorrow afternoon.”

 

Jonghyun takes a bite of his food to give himself time to think.  It sounds fine, going to a movie with his friends, no pressure.  But part of him still hesitates, scared at what Seongwoo and Daniel have made of the weeks he’s been absent from their friend group’s hang outs.

 

“You can say no if you don’t want to go.”  Minhyun tells him after several moments of silence, reaching out to gently touch Jonghyun’s arm. “Or, if you’re afraid you’ll offend them by saying no, I can just tell Seongwoo we already made plans to do something else tomorrow.”

 

Jonghyun shakes his head, not wanting Minhyun to have to lie to Seongwoo on his behalf.  “It’s fine.  I’ll go.”

 

Minhyun smiles and give his arm a light squeeze.  “If you want to leave at any time just tell me and I’ll think of an excuse to tell them, okay?”

 

Jonghyun nods and then leans over to give Minhyun a little hug.

 

“Thank you.”  He murmurs against Minhyun’s ear.

 

~

 

The movie they watch the next day is a bit cheesy, with lots of overdramatic dialogue and an excess of explosions, but it’s fun to watch and Jonghyun appreciates having the opportunity to get caught up in the plot and not think about his life for two hours.  Minhyun playfully scolds him for eating more than his fair share of the popcorn they share, and Jonghyun shuts him up by shoving all the remaining popcorn into Minhyun’s mouth as he talks and giggling as it makes him spultter in surprise.  The laughs come easier for Jonghyun that day, and he feels more like himself for the first time in a while.  He can’t help but notice Seongwoo and Daniel throwing him and Minhyun curious glances from time to time, but he does his best no to think too hard about them.

 

When the movie is over and they exit the theater Jonghyun is happy that the conversation is focused on the plot of the movie.  The four of them talk about their favorite parts, the part that they thought were especially cheesy, and the parts that surprised them.  Jonghyun laughs along with the others as Seongwoo an imitation of a particularly cringe-worthy line of dialogue from the movie.  Jonghyun is almost a little sad when Seongwoo and Daniel say they have to go do errands so they can’t hang out any longer.

 

“Jonghyun, one more thing before we go,” Seongwoo says unexpectedly in the movie theater parking lot right before he and Daniel go to their car.  “Our dance crew has practice every Monday and Wednesday night at seven, you’re welcome to come any time you want.”

 

“No pressure of course, but we’d love to see you there.”  Daniel adds.

 

Jonghyun is stuck speechless for a moment, unsure how he feels about his or how he should react. Finally he nods weakly and says he’ll think about it before bidding them goodbye one more time.

 

Once their gone, Jonghyun feels Minhyun’s hand find its way around his waist.

 

“Are you okay?”  Minhyun asks, looking into Jonghyun’s eyes with concern.

 

“I’m fine,” Jonghyun assures.  “It’s just…”  He pauses, thinking of the right way to phrase his thoughts.  “A lot to take in.”  He finishes.  Minhyun smiles and give Jonghyun’s side a little squeeze and Jonghyun lets out an involuntary gasp.

 

“Ah! That tickles!” Jonghyun squawks, spinning away from Minhyun grasp.

 

“Oh my gosh, I’m sorry I didn’t realize!”  Minhyun apologizes quickly.  “I swear it wasn’t intentional!”

 

“If you say so.”  Jonghyun pouts, trying his best not to smile as he stubbornly walks ahead of Minhyun for a few paces. Then he turns back and smiles at Minhyun. “Make me dinner to make up for it?”

 

“Of course.”  Minhyun agrees, catching up with Jonghyun and lacing their fingers together.  For the entire way back to his apartment, Minhyun doesn’t let go of Jonghyun’s hand.

 

~

 

The next week, Minki calls Jonghyun and they agree to have lunch together the following weekend.  Jonghyun is a more than a little nervous to meet Minki properly again after so long, he’s afraid that Minki will be made about him avoiding him before or disappointed by how Jonhyun has changed over the years.  Minhyun agrees to come with him, which puts his heart at ease a little.  Being around Minhyun makes him feel safe.

 

Minki doesn’t comment on Minhyun’s presence when they meet him in front of the restaurant.  He does seem to have found an old picture of Jonghyun in his embarrassing maid costume from high school, which he shows Minhyun as Jonghyun’s ears burn red.  Their conversation is light and easy, reminiscing about their high school days and talking about Minki’s job.  When Minki starts talking about how something he saw recently reminded him of a performance Jonghyun did their sophomore year of high school, Minhyun puts his hand on Jonghyun’s thigh under the table and glances at Jonghyun subtly checking in, but Jonghyun surprisingly doesn’t even feel weird taking about dancing.  He gives Minhyun a little smile to let him know he’s okay, and makes a comment to Minki about what that performance was like for him.  He can’t help but notice the way that Minki’s eyes flit between him and Minhyun, and wonders if Minki is making any assumptions about the two of them.  When Minhyun gets up to go to the bathroom, he gets his answer.

 

“So,” Minki says once Minhyun is out of earshot.  “What’s the deal with you two? Is he your boyfriend?”

 

Feeling himself reddening, Jonghyun quickly shakes his head.  “N-no, he’s just a good friend.  He’s, er, helped me a lot with some things recently.”  Jonghyun explains, not quite sure how to phrase their relationship himself.

 

“Could have fooled me.”  Minki shrugs.  “So do you like him?”

 

Jonghyun hesitates.  Of course he likes Minhyun, but he’s not sure if he likes Minhyun in the way that Minki is implying.  He’s eternally grateful for how supportive Minhyun has been over the last few weeks and it’s wonderful to finally have someone he can trust with his inner most securities.  He’s sure anyone would be lucky to be with someone as caring and attentive as Minhyun, and can’t see how he could possibly deserve to be loved by someone like Minhyun.  But at the same time, all the reassuring touches, hand-holding, and comforting embraces Minhyun has given him make him wonder.  That doesn’t really seem like something friends would do.  Thinking about it makes Jonghyun feel confused and afraid.   He doesn’t want to think about what would happen if he was mistaken and ruined things with Minhyun.

 

“Um… I don’t know.”  He finally answers Minki.  “It’s complicated.”

 

“I’m sure you’ll figure it out eventually.”  Minki says nonchalantly and Jonghyun is glad that he doesn’t press the topic.  They’re silent for a while before Minki speaks again.

 

“I wanted to tell you I’m sorry if my persistence in catching up earlier made you uncomfortable or anything.”  Minki tells Jonghyun suddenly.  “I shouldn’t have kept bothering you when it was obvious you didn’t want to see you.”

 

Dumbstruck for a second, Jonghyun just looks at Minki for a long moment before his thought become clear enough to form words.

 

“You, uh, don’t have to apologize.”  Jonghyun tells him awkwardly.  “I was just, well, it had been a long time since I’d thought about everything from back then.”  He pauses for a moment, not sure how much to say.  “I guess I just wasn’t prepared for it all to come rushing back like that.  I really miss dancing, thinking about it is a little painful.  It was just easier to try to forget.”  He rambles.  “I’m sorry for avoiding you.” 

 

“It’s fine, we all have our issues.”  Minki tells Jonghyun with an easy smile.  “No hard feelings.”

 

“No hard feelings.”  Jonghyun repeats as Minhyun reappears from the bathroom.

 

“Remember that exchange student, Aron?”  Minki has quickly as Minhyun sits back down, pretending like nothing happened.

 

“Yeah, are you still in contact with him?”  Jonghyun asks, not caring whether or not Minhyun is involved in their previous more serious conversation, but genuinely curious about Aron.

 

“I had completely lost contact with him but then he started working at my workplace out of the blue!”   Minki goes on. “I had thought he was planning on staying in the US, but I guess not..”

 

As the two of them continue to talk about Aron and their other former class mates Jonghyun can see that Minhyun noticed how abrupt their conversation was and that they probably talked about something serious while he was gone.  He takes Minhyun’s hand under the table to let Minhyun know everything is alright and he’s not anxious or uncomfortable.

 

~

 

Gradually, Jonghyun starts hanging out with the rest of their friend group again like before.  He starts coming to their dance performances again and hanging out with them when the group gather together, but he still likes it best when he gets spend time just with Minhyun.  It’s hard to be around the others sometimes because they’re all curious about what happened and Jonghyun doesn’t feel comfortable talking about it with anyone other than Minhyun.  Minhyun helps him find the words to satisfy their curiosity without putting himself in an uncomfortable situation, telling them bits of the issue without going in depth.  All of them seem to understand enough to give him time and space when he needs it. 

 

Jonghyun also starts finding time to catch up with Minki.  Sometimes Minhyun comes with him, sometimes he feels comfortable being around Minki without Minhyun’s presence to anchor him.  He finds himself thinking a lot about what Minki asked him about Minhyun the first time they met up.  What is Minhyun to him?  Minhyun, who has been kinder and more supporting than he ever could have imagined.  Minhyun who used to just be a coworker he ate lunch with.  Jonghyun knows that whatever he feel towards Minhyun is strong; it’s hard to imagine what else it could be other than love.

 

Love is still scary to Jonghyun.  He’s afraid that if he told Minhyun it could ruin everything, but at the same time he trusts that even if Minhyun knew and didn’t reciprocate his feelings he wouldn’t stop being friends with Jonghyun.  He’s just afraid that they would become awkward, that Minhyun wouldn’t hold his hand or hug him anymore.  He’s content with how they are, so he doesn’t say anything. Maybe somethings are better left unsaid.

 

~

 

 

A month after the he leaves the hospital, Jonghyun attends the crew’s dance practice with Minhyun’s support and encouragement.  He’s nervous as he walks to the studio, Minhyun by his side.  He has to pause for several moments outside because his hands are shaking too much to open the door.  Minhyun takes one of Jonghyun’s hands in both of his and has Jonghyun take deep breaths with him.

 

“You can do this.”  Minhyun tells him, giving his hand a little squeeze.

 

“I can do this.”  Jonghyun repeats back weakly before steeling himself and reaching out to turn the doorknob.

 

Everyone greets Jonghyun warmly with excited smiles and they eagerly invite Jonghyun to start warming up with them.  Once they actually start practicing in earnest, it’s clear that Jonghyun has definitely lost a lot of his former dancing process, but the feeling is still there.  He can close his eyes and be completely happy moving to the music.  Everyone on the dance crew is incredibly patient and supportive of him and they even offer to include him in an upcoming performance.  Jonghyun declines, telling them maybe someday, but right now he’s not ready yet. 

 

Minhyun sits in the corner of the studio the whole practice, smiling softly as he watches them.  Every now and then Jonghyun catches his eyes on him and he feels his ears heat up.  At one point Seongwoo convinces Minhyun to join them for a basic exercise and he does a silly butt wiggle dance when it’s his turn.  Everyone laughs, Jonghyun most of all.  Jonghyun can’t help but keep thinking about how cute Minhyun’s dance was for the rest of practice, and as Minhyun walks him back to his apartment afterwards.

 

“You should perform your butt dance at the crew’s next gig,” Jonghyun tells Minhyun as they walk along the sidewalk, hand in hand.  Minhyun laughs.

 

“No one would want to see that!”  He insists.  “You guys just thinks it’s funny because it’s stupid.”

 

“I would want to see it,” Jonghyun insists. “It’s cute.”  The words are out before Jonghyun can think better of them and he feels his face heat up and quickly looks away from Minhyun.

 

“Really?”  Minhyun says.  Jonghyun feels him stop walking and halts so that he doesn’t have to let go of Minhyun’s hand.  He looks back to see Minhyun smiling at him with a look he can’t decipher in his eyes.  “I thought your dancing was very cool.”  Minhyun tells him suddenly and Jonghyun is about to respond when he feels Minhyun’s lips brush across his cheek. Jonghyun’s heart skips a beat.   A split second later Minhyun steps back clapping his hands over his mouth as if suddenly realizing what he just did.

 

“I- I’m sorry, I got carried away!”  Minhyun says red faced.  “You can forget about it if it made you uncomfortable, I promise I won’t ever make you uncomfortable like that again!”  Before really thinking it through, Jonghyun smiles and takes a step towards Minhyun. 

 

“I don’t want to forget about it,” he tells Minhyun before leaning in to press his lips to Minhyun’s.  The kiss is tentative and awkward at first, and then it turns sweet.  Minhyun wraps his arms around Jonghyun and pulls him close.

 

“I think I might be in love with you,” Minhyun whispers in his ear when they break apart.  Jonghyun smiles into Minhyun’s shoulder.

 

“Me too.”  He says before leaning up to kiss Minhyun again.  Minhyun’s lips are soft and warm and Jonghyun almost feels like an eternity could pass him by and he wouldn’t notice because at that moment this mind is full of Minhyun.  But such bliss can’t last an eternity, especially in the darker corners of Jonghyun’s mind where self-doubt start to creep back in.  What if he’s making a huge mistake?  What if this new romantic development between him and Minhyun burns out quick and ruins everything they have?

 

“Jonghyun?”  Minhyun murmurs against his lips as he pulls away.  “You’re shaking, what’s wrong?”

 

Jonghyun is shaking.  He feels terrible for ruining the moment.  Minhyun’s face is still on a few inches away from his, but he looks down at Minhyun’s mouth instead of meeting his eyes.  Minhyun patiently waits for Jonghyun to answer, and after a few long moments, the words finally come.

 

“I’m scared.”  Jonghyun forces out.  “I’m afraid I’ll mess this up and lose you.  I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you.”  Jonghyun can feel himself starting to cry and hates himself more for it.  Of course he had to ruin the moment they finally got together like this.  Minhyun is probably exasperated with him for reacting this way.

 

“I don’t want to lose you either.”  Minhyun tells him softly, pulling him in close so that his chin rests against Jonghyun’s shoulder.  “Do you still want to try this, even though it’s scary?  I’ll understand if you’d rather just be friends.”

 

Jonghyun shakes his head.  “No, I want to try.”  He says firmly.  He doesn’t think he could go back to being just friends now that he knows the feeling of Minhyun’s lips on his.  “I just… Please be patient with me?”

 

“Of course.”  Minhyun says, kissing the tears off Jonghyun’s cheeks.  It tickles a bit, and Jonghyun giggles despite himself.  Minhyun keeps an arm around Jonghyun the whole way back, leaning in to pepper Jonghyun’s face with kisses every few steps.

 

When they finally reach Jonghyun’s apartment, Jonghyun doesn’t want to say goodbye and not see Minhyun until the next day at work.  They stand in Jonghyun’s doorway for a long moment before Jonghyun finally find the courage to say.

 

“Stay with me tonight?”

 

Minhyun looks at him funny for a moment and Jonghyun suddenly realizes the potential implications of what he just said.

 

“I don’t mean… not like, to do anything weird.”  He quickly explains.  “I just miss you holding me at night.”

 

Giving Jonghyun an understanding smile, Minhyun nods.

 

“I miss that too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's the end, I guess. Thank you everyone who read this fic to the end. This was a very personal fic for me to write, as in real life I deal with a lot of the same issues that Jonghyun deals with in this fic. I've read a lot of really wonderful and well-written fics that deal with mental health issues, but I noticed that a lot of them have character having mental health issues because of past trauma. I got a lot of comments wondering what happened in Jonghyun's past to make him so anxious, and the answer is to that is: nothing. Sometimes anxiety and suicidal thoughts exist within one's mind without any cause or reason and it really really sucks. That was what I wanted to portray in this fic.
> 
> I'm actually going to miss writing this, I usually purposefully avoid writing multi-chapter fics because it's a such a big commitment to make sure to update regularly and actually finish writing the fic, but this didn't feel stressful to write and I really enjoyed it. I thought about dragging it on longer by writing an epilogue, but I really suck at writing couples after they get together so I think I'll hold off.
> 
> Thanks again for reading this to the end!

**Author's Note:**

> Originally, this was going to be a one shot. I have decided to break it up and add a bit of Minhyun's perspective in the middle so that readers can have a more in depth look at his character as Jonghyun is an unreliable narrator. All of Jonghyun's perspective is already written and hopefully I will be able to get Minhyun's perspective done quick and update in a timely manner. Thank you for reading!


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